Convoluted LIFE

There is something about life that is very odd. Chocolate does not fix existential problems. Sunshine does not drive away sadness. Social work classes do not automatically presume that one is aware of their purpose and meaning in life. And issues occur for which there are not 3 step solutions.

BUT.

Friends and food and tea are delightful encouragements for any malady.

I am uplifted.

This morning we made waffles.

I should be studying, but...

...they are just that good.

Wind

Blown by God toward Newness
by Walter Brueggemann

The news is that God's wind is blowing
It may be a breeze that
cools and comforts.
It may be a gust that
summons you to notice.
It may be a storm that blows you where you have
never been before.

Whatever the wind is in your life,
pay attention to it...
and the blessing of God,
Father, Son, and Spirit,
will abide with you always.


I am hoping that the wind in my life will blow away the sixty dollars of fines that I have accumulated at the library...

I have some time off before school starts on Monday and so I am enjoying listening to some nice music...

Check out Rue Royale
I think they are pretty awesome.


And Angus and Julia Stone
I think they are also pretty awesome.

Home Again

Christmas is over, and the new year is upon us! For some reason inexplicable joy is abounding in my stomach despite the necessary goodbyes which were uttered 15 minutes ago. I think I am excited to get back into the routine of school and work, despite my reservations about the rather unfortunate classes that are required this semester (blech, group counselling...no more video assignments, PLEASE!) I am also excited about being able to share the utility bills with 7 people rather than 4. YES, that is right...3 more roommates are arriving this weekend to live in our big green house. It is going to be a FULL house. But I still have the personal oasis of my bedroom. I love people. I think it will be good to have more people around.

For Christmas I received several gifts of particular enjoyment. I got an authentic Greek Fisherman's hat, which I wear with the pride of any good Greek boy (apparently they are all the rage for the male youth of Nelson. I plan to start a trend). I also got several sheets of beeswax with which I can make numerous candles. And I got a scarfette (See Etsy for definition) knitted by my sister. And a GREAT book about AIDS orphans in Africa.

I also was given a hand-me-down camera which has limited button functioning, but can still take a picture...so I can put some more pictures on my blog.

And so, despite my personal chagrin about NOT having a delayed flight (I wanted to stay home longer) I am happy to be back in Winnipeg, in dearest ugly house.

My new year's Resolutions:

1. Wear my glasses more
2. Pay the bills on time
3. Do more readings
4. Love

Home

I was hoping that if I changed the aesthetic appearance of this blog, it may bring forth more profound thoughts. Poor misguided Jennie.

Anyway.

I am enjoying home life: the pungent smell of the enormous 11 ft. Christmas tree in our living room, the crackling of the fire, the blue sky that has broken free of the thick layer of clouds, the availability of delicious treats that are remaining from my parents 25th anniversary bash, listening to Sheree Plett's Christmas songs...

Check out Future of Forestry

And the Ghost of Christmas FUTURE wins!

Things I am looking forward too:
-Going home in 1.5 days
-lots and lots of SNOW
-parents
-siblings (and sibling-in-law, I suppose)
-organic chicken
-fireplace
-bookshelves
-warmth
-living under the illusion of no responsibility
-Reading...for delight
-my dad's coffee...or at least a couple of sips
-Working on the family Christmas craft
-real whipped cream
-egg nog

Things I have yet to do:
-finish christmas/birthday shopping
-pack
-mail my student loans
-laundry!
-get rid of the perishables...bye bye spinach.

Things I have done:
-finished off some classes
-survived several days of intense cold
-been remarkably unproductive
-ummm...

It is early, and I am attempting to study and failing miserably. I think I hate exams.

Today I am overwhelmed with the beauty that is people. The unique parts of us that are different and important and so often hidden. We don't always see people's inner world, and it is easy to make assumptions...but when you get a glimpse, a fragment, a taste of who they are...yeah. Right on.

"The finest qualities of our nature, like the bloom on fruits, can be preserved only by the most delicate handling. Yet we do not treat ourselves nor one another thus tenderly."
Henry David Thoreau

Time for....

...CHRISTMAS MUSIC

Angst and Secrets and LOVE

Gasp! I have emerged from the dark depths of paper writing...for a brief interlude...to expound upon the angst of my soul.

And to share with you a poem/prayer by Walter Brueggemann from his book "Prayers for a Privileged People"

Exposed to Mercy, Truth, and Newness (on reading Psalm 32)

"We begin the new week toward you,
from whom no secret can be hid.
We have had a night,
and a weekend,
and a lifetime of secrets.

We have stored the usual list of secrets,
of acres of guilt unforgiven,
of desires too rich to utter.
Beyond that, we have a secret list of hurts,
from ancient days with parents and siblings,
from assorted bullies at playschool
and in adult life;
some of us overly sensitive,
all of us grown protective
and capable of self-pity.

Beyond that, we have a secret list of hopes,
some selfish and some noble,
hopes of new freedom and new reconciliation,
of new security and new recognition,
of doing well and being well.

We have so much to keep hidden.
And you know--
you know because you made us and have watched us
from the beginning;
you know because you see us in our waking and our sleeping;
you know because you love us right through,
beyond all of our covert capacity."

My Dad's Truck

Ok, when you have survived almost plummeting over a VERY steep cliff WHO has the presence of mind to take a picture of it with their cell phone? My dad is intense.

"His faithfulness is like a shield or a protective wall." Psalm 91:4

Community Continued....

I think that I entered into this school year with a slightly idealistic perspective about community. I thought it would be relatively easy to enter a new environment and meet people and live happily ever after. Perhaps this is due to living so many years in the wonderful bubble that is the Providence College Residence. Making friends there is not hard. But somehow, when you enter the "real" world, it seems as though the friend making process significantly slows down. Friendships that took days to form, now seem to take weeks, months.

So I am left with the feeling that I need to work harder, be more outgoing, and talk to people more than I am. Ok, I can try. Because relationships are worth it. And community is so much of life.

As a pretty dedicated introvert I cringe at the thought of stepping outside of my comfort zone and pushing myself to initiate conversation. Is there an easier way? Maybe...but I think life is too short and too painful and too beautiful to wait for someone else to make the first move. I offer myself advice in this regard: start small...but start.

Community

Community is a dance. A harmonious, warm, beautiful movement.

It is our burden. Our duty. Our longing. Our purpose.

It is action. It is growth. It is development.

"This is the duty of our generation as we enter the twenty-first century -- solidarity with the weak, the persecuted, the lonely, the sick, and those in despair. It is expressed by the desire to give a noble and humanizing meaning to a community in which all members will define themselves not by their own identity but by that of others."
Elie Wiesel

Going Home for Christmas...

...eventually

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Reader's Disgression is Advised....

Today is the anniversary of my almost severed fingers...It happened one grey, dismal Thursday afternoon 9 years ago...

The Woodworking Classroom:
...I was making my mother a cutting board in woodworking class. Grade eight. Mr. Jenson. I had this beautiful piece of maple wood, and I was using the planer so that it would be smooth and beautiful, and the wood got stuck. Now most people who are smart would have turned off this highly powerful machine in order to remove the stuck object...but I did not. I tried to pull the wood back towards me, but the blade was so strong that it pulled my fingers closer, and closer, and ZOINK. That is the sound that was made when my fingers hit the blade. I stood in shock holding my hand awkwardly, the bones protruding, the blood oozing (this is my favorite part!) and then I tried to walk towards someone, help, anybody...but my legs wouldn't move, so I stood there for awhile until help arrived, and then I was sat down by the sink, so that I would not bleed on the floor, while the school contacted someone who had first-aid training to come to the basement level, and bind me, before I left for the hospital...

The Hospital:
Three words describe this time period: tears, pain, embarrassment.
The tears did not arrive until my mother did. The pain was present for the duration, particularly while they unwrapped the initial dressing, put needles in between my fingers, and took x-rays...The embarrassment occurred when one of the nurses told me that her son was in one of my classes, and I was imagining the future discussions that would take place around school ("did you hear about the girl who almost cut off her fingers, and cried? yeah my mom was her nurse.")

The Night:
Very awkward sleep.

The Next Morning/afternoon:
Crying in the hospital waiting for the plastic surgeon to look at my hand for 5 hours...And finally having surgery, and getting my fingers reconstructed!! A happy time because they gave me morphine.

The Recovery:
Doctor's appointments.
Fellow peers laughing at the posture that my middle finger had in its bandage. Sometimes I would point it in their direction if they got really irritating.
Fear that my fingers would get infected, and amputated.
Uncomfortable bathing experiences.
My stuffed frog
and LOVE....

The Moral(s):
When there are signs on power tools that say "CAUTION" or "DANGER" pay attention to them.
AND
There are people who care about your well-being...even people who you have never spoken to before express concern...It is frustrating that it often takes a crisis to know that you are loved...so I hope this is a reminder for you that you ARE!

The End.

Recent Insights that Have Proven Invaluable in the Past Few Days:

-I cannot drink coffee any later than noon...and before that only in very small quantities...otherwise, this strange phenomenon occurs where I cannot breathe and I feel like I have to run around in circles. Plus, it makes me talk in class...yeah, its pretty bad.

-I occasionally can use humour in a negative way to reflect my cynicism. This is sometimes funny...and sometimes very awful. I would rather be a dull-witted earwig than say hurtful things to the ones I love.

-I am a people pleaser. I already knew that, but it still proves to be an invaluable insight in recent days, so there it is.

-I am skill-less...Yes it is true. I have this yearning to be cool and stuff...and have skills like canning...my sister is a great preserver. Or a great baseball player...my brother is a great 2nd base man...Or the friendly neighbourhood Wilderness Guide, I love the forest...Or an amazing singer who carries her guitar 50 blocks to the local coffee shop in order to entertain customers in exchange for free coffee and good conversation. But, here I am, in the prime of life with no real grasp on myself, except for a list of things that I would LIKE to be good at. All this to say, I have great hope for myself...one day I will laugh in the face of my skill-less days.

-Listening to Waking Ashland reminds me of my first year at Prov...and flopping around on the floor in helpless giggles. Oddest combination with this particular music choice, I know.

-I must always, always carry my house keys with me (see final insight for further insight, ha ha)

-Be a person of love and acceptance and warmth and relationship, and utter humbleness...

-Cut fingernails before playing bowling (is that the correct phrase? do you play bowling)

-Make my lunch and supper the night before Monday in order to avoid frantic grabbing of very random food items.

-Go to bed earlier to increase my brain activity...it is a true fact. I read all about it in a health magazine today while sitting in the hospital waiting room for dearest roommate who cut her self trying to break into our house.

Sun is Near...

Cold nose.
Chilly fingers.
Cramped position.
Caffeine lingers.

Typing papers.
Trailing lots.
Thoughts are fleeting.
Thinking stops.

Stuck facade.
Stranded here.
Still breathing.
Sun is near.


Found image here.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIM!

This song is for YOU!

(the first one, not the second one. hee hee)

whoops, i did it again

Growth. That age-old concept that as we develop and mature, we will make fewer mistakes, and become a person of wisdom and intellect. This is wrong. At least for me. I am discovering that I mess up pretty regularly, and it is often attributed to my lack of knowledge, my lack of humbleness, my lack of intuition, my lack of sense, my lack of...ok, I'm done.

I was reading in my counselling textbook that it is important for counsellors to have grace and courtesy towards their clients to acknowledge when they have made a mistake. This is great...but it is the last thing I would like to do. As a person who avoids conflict, I mostly just want to go home and hide under the blankets, and pretend that I didn't make someone cry by inadvertently slandering their nephew's mother-in-law who has a rare tropical disease that I was unaware of (I have nightmares of this sort of thing).

Strength of character. Patience to listen. Pursuit of truth. Demonstration of justice. Actions of love. Words of mercy. Search for knowledge. Desire for understanding. All things I am living for, and working for. And then reality hits, and I realize how small I am...and how far I have to go.

So, maybe you are wondering what mistake I made that was so awful to prompt this post on growth (or lack thereof). Well, I can't say. As a person of avoidance, I have difficulty admitting when I make a mistake. Sorry. I just don't want to lose my friends.

Speaking of, here is another roommate picture!!!

An Update:

1) I enjoy working in the library. It is a pleasant mix of monotonous work, and, uh, well, shelving? I am developing good forearm muscles dragging the obstinate book cart around, and as for shelf shifting, well lets just say that I am morphing into super bionic woman who has muscles. No laughing please (ahem, Kim?)

2) I am significantly enjoying my classes. Of particular interest to me, is Clinical Practice, and Counselling Children and Adolescents. I am considering Bibliotherapy as an occupation...with additional uses of play therapy, art therapy and cinematherapy. Did you know that there was such a thing as using books to help children and adolescents work through issues?? How wonderful.

3) It is fall, and the leaves have descended. The beautiful trees that sheltered my head from the rain as I walk to school are quite bare. The air is getting colder, as is our house. Official apologies to all visitors. BYOS - Bring your own slippers...and mitts and scarfs and down blankets, etc. We will supply the hot beverage.

4) Check out The Weepies..

The End.

Encouraging song of the week...

by Mute Math

Racing on a faultline
Bracing for a landslide
Concious of every move getting harder
Has the race gone underwater?

I keep stalling out
I just can't keep up
There's alarming doubt
Am I good enough?
But you keep coming around
To convince me
It's still far from over, oh

We are still far
We are still far
We are still far from over

I am feeling nostalgic tonight. Perhaps it is due in part to being homesick for family this Thanksgiving holiday. My sister is off becoming the next Max Weber, and my parents are home in BC enjoying the multiple pumpkin pies that were made from our home-grown pumpkins. And I, the solitary member, am far away from both.

But I will keep my upper lip stiff, and carry on...

The melancholy days are come, the saddest of the year, Of wailing winds, and naked woods and meadows brown and sear.
William C. Bryant

I dyed my hair. I have never dyed my hair before. I chose a dark brown colour called "mocha" cause it sounded tasty. Larisa did the honours for me...and now my hair looks different, and yet the same. I didn't look like the girl on the box, which was kind of a let down. Oh false advertising. tsk tsk. Consumeristic culture that I so naively "buy" into. ha ha.

This was a big deal for me, as I would not consider myself as a person entirely comfortable with change, especially when it is dye.

But I am proud that I can go out of my comfort zone and enter the dark place of hair dye and cosmetics. Gahh!

I will post pictures...

In the meantime, enjoy this carefully selected portion of my beloved Anne of Green Gables...

some long overdue pictures of house and roommates!

There is sunshine glowing through my window and reflecting off of the highly polished wooden floor. I am grateful for my lil' room and the solitude and rest it provides. I am attempting to complete my second paper of the school year, and my brain is experiencing this weird numbness where I cannot concentrate on my words. Hence, my sentences end up sounding garbled and awkward....and I am ashamed of the finished product. I am especially concerned for the myriad of video tapes and class presentations that I have to do in the next couple weeks. If I am having this much trouble writing a paper that I can edit and rewrite in the privacy of my home, HOW am I going to perform essentially on the spot in front of PEOPLE??? gahh.

In other news...

...I am the new assistant librarian person. Being surrounded by books and stuff...sounds pretty great. Maybe there is an elite librarian person club that I can join, and we can laugh at all the students who forget to bring their library cards when signing out books. ha ha ha. Too bad for you! But don't worry, I will hold your books here at the counter while you run home through 50km northern winds and piercing snow specks. Just joking. If it is within my power at all, I would let everyone sign out books, library card or not. Unless they are an axe murderer. Grace only extends so far.

This morning I trotted over to the Tall Grass Bakery down the street and picked up some bread. I got sourdough and spelt bread. It is sure to remind me of home...and Kaslo bread. hmmm.

LUNCHTIME!

My life

Papers.
Sunshine.
Leaves.
Tea.
Chocolate.
Student Loans.
Walking.
Saying Goodbye.
Saying Hello.
Food.
Job Interviews.
Work.
Books.
People.
Laughter.
and....Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

A wind has blown the rain away and blown the sky away and all the leaves away, and the trees stand. I think, I too, have known autumn too long. - E. E. Cummings

I know it is not legally fall yet...but the weather has gotten colder and windier, and grayer. It is time for scarves and toques. Our house is rather chilly, and so I have resorted to wearing woolly socks, and multiple sweaters.

With fall weather comes school. I think I have this strange addiction to school. As though I am afraid of entering the work force for good. I suppose I must soak in these last two years, as they may be my last. Although I hope they aren't. I must be ill. I'm sure once the homework hits I will feel better.

My mind is quite overwhelmed, because there are so many little things that i have to do, and i don't have time or the resources to do them...so I am in this weird space of anxiousness/helplessness.

Last night I ate a cinnamon bun from the Tall Grass Bakery, and it was pretty great. And I drank about 5 pots of tea. And I officially turned the heat on...for about 15 minutes...just to take the edge off. I think it really helped because I didn't wake up shivering this morning.

I am enjoying living in the city i think...it is nice to be able to walk places, and stuff. But it is a busy life...and I am all for living simply. I think living in dorm at Prov was nice because I didn't spend very much money. I have already spent about $15 on buying tea and goodies from the nice coffee shop down the road.

I am done work! And I am on holiday! I am admiring the beautiful Pacific Ocean at this very moment....One day I am going to live by the ocean...if it is to be part of my life's journey of course. Maybe I will live in Victoria or Kenya, or Seattle or....I am not too picky.

After perusing many delightfully expensive shops this morning with Starbucks in hand, I pondered the "richness" of life. I much prefer the simple pleasures that arise from relationships and beauty as opposed to the possessing and retaining of objects that will rust and decay. However, I also realized that I like buying things. I saw some cute story pictures by an artist Brian Andreas, that I dearly loved. I restrained myself of course, as I am living on the tightest of budgets in order to live independently.

ahhh, yes

“It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things.”

Donald Miller

And so begins my last week at home in BC before entering yet another phase in my life. My mind is full of endless lists of things that must get done before I can leave, not the least of these is the challenge of trying to cram a years supply of stuff into a 50 pound suitcase. Plus, I am searching for the perfect back pack, that will make commuting to school much nicer with my millions of textbooks, and laptop, and food, and water, and music, and extra books to read just in case, and extra clothes just in case, and TEA etc. I haven't found one yet.

And so...it is Sunday, a day that I should be using to be productive, and start on my list. But it is nice to wake up slowly and think about things like blackberries and gardens and books and tea and pretty scarves that friends give you on your birthday instead of wondering about the could-be's, and the hope-nots, and the what-ifs.

I am currently stressed...but living in denial. Which only works for so long, and is soon to come to a crashing end. Right. Now.

Current thoughts:

1. Money - it is desperately needed, and desperately hated all at the same time. I am dearly poor. But debt free...and without a bike and a car. Don't worry, I wouldn't let them take my legs.

2. Life - sweet and lovely, with the occasional pooling of emotions that brings both pain and inner reflection. Work is constant...but people are ever changing which makes my days so much more interesting. Particularly at daycare. And particularly when a certain little boy attends daycare who moves fast. Like a train. Hurtling down the track regardless of little, innocent bunny rabbits in the way.

3. Art - a necessary form of expressing oneself, that allows one to reveal their passion and identity to the people around them. It is a doorway. A window to the soul. A way to identify. A way to realize that one is not alone in the world, but there are those who know and understand. A method of communication that, at times, is far stronger than audible words can convey.

4. School - according to the textbook list, extremely out of my zone of wowness. Plus it is scary. I dream of taking classes about pencil crayon drawing, and the effects that AIDS has on children in Africa, and a class on the history and benefits of tea, and a course on beautiful music. I think the idealistic part of my INFJ personality is coming through. Social work is a means to an end...right?

5. Relationships - desired, sought after, and worked towards. Loving one another. Being accepting towards one another. Embracing those we are frustrated by. A challenge. One I often dismiss as a lower priority. I am wondering about the forgetfulness of self without becoming self-destructive. There is a balance, but the lines are blurred and situations differ.

Happy Birthday Wendell Berry...and self.

Today is Wendell Berry's birthday, and as a tribute to his personage, I have written him a little ditty.

Oh Wendell Berry you write good stuff,
You are smart and really tough.
You live on a farm and love the land,
How I wish I could shake your hand.

Oh Wendell Berry, how wise, how grand,
Your words inspire me to rise and stand...
And whisper the truth about humanity,
Which echoes about on a daily basis.

Sorry about that last line, I couldn't think of a good word to rhyme with humanity.

Anyway, here is a poem that Wendell wrote that is an especial favourite of mine. I think his own words do him justice far more than anything I could ever write about him.

Woods

by Wendell Berry

I part the out thrusting branches
and come in beneath
the blessed and the blessing trees.
Though I am silent
there is singing around me.
Though I am dark
there is vision around me.
Though I am heavy
there is flight around me.

Today has been OK. I filed and listened to CBC. I thought about the poor boy on the greyhound bus, and decided that I am very thankful I am flying back to Winnipeg.

Here are some pictures of my sister's recent visit.

Beatboxing...of course.

And a video...

Current Rambling Thoughts

Social work? what, I can't do Social Work! I must be crazy yes, yes. Crazy hmmm. Married? My friend is married? Today? OH MY GOODNESS! My friend is a married person. Wow. So great, and yet just so weird. Really crazily. Change. Life is change. Roommates. I think people must not like me. Or something. God? why don't people want to be my roommate? Why is it so difficult to find roommates? Why is it so stressful not having enough roommates? Life. Life has stress. A thought: I am an ISLAND. Not in a depressing, anti-people sort of way...but in a way where I am realising that I cannot rely on people to fill me, to make me HAPPY. I can't. I try and wait patiently for people to come into my life and bring me satisfaction. But people are far too disappointing. I NEED GOD! I like my daycare job. I don't like my filing job. Filing is strenuous. Too much dust. Too much stuff. Too much garbage. Too many papers. Sun. I like sunny days. I like Africa. I want to go to Africa soon. I wish I had brought my African Summer tea home. I wish it wasn't packed up and sitting in Winnipeg. I wish that I knew my living situation better for the fall. I wish I could stop worrying. I like tea. Tea is soothing. Tea is nice. I spilled my tea in my car twice. It was sad. I am going hiking tomorrow. Glad. I like to hike. I like to be outside. But I enjoy my bed. I need to go to bed. I am an introvert. Most times. Yes. I am. Bed. OK

wahhhhh!

Last night I had a horrible dream...I was in school, and I had just written a sociology paper for Dr. Hiebert and I had worked soooooo hard on it, and put so much thought and effort and passion into it. This paper was worth 30% of my grade, and when I received it back I had only been given 1 out of 30. In tears of shame and horror, I took my paper to my professor in a valiant attempt to get what I felt was a just grade...to my dismay, Dr. Hiebert refused to change my mark, and I failed the course. I woke up in tears. To be fair, Dr. Hiebert would never be this hard hearted, and so I am consoled knowing that it was all a bad dream. Whew! I guess I am starting to think about school again. In light of Evil Wednesday rapidly approaching in less than an hour, school work is starting to look pretty appealing. Just gotta get through tomorrow..."chug, chug" said the little engine that could...........(sorry, too much daycare!)

Jennie=very tired polar bear

It is Tuesday evening. Tomorrow I am working at daycare all day, and then in the evening I am coordinating a play time for ridiculous, loud, mouthy boys ages 8-12 (I like them, I really do!). It may come as a great shock to most people, but I have a hard time speaking loud enough for very 20 million noisy kids to hear. And so, most Wednesday evenings I return home with a sore throat and a voice like Louis Armstrong. I am going to buy a whistle. A really loud piercing whistle. How did I get this job if I am not so great at leading really large groups you may ask? Well, it was offered to me out of desperation...how could I turn it down? It just creates a VERY long workday, that involves A LOT OF KIDS!! I find that I prefer the 3-5 age group better. Much less mouthy...they also usually refrain from using profanity and beating each other up. Kids these days...tsk tsk.

Anyway, my point to my original sentence, that tonight is Tuesday, was meant to infer that there are only 3 more days left to my work week...which means that the week is almost half over. Which means that....duh duh duh duuuuuuuuuuuh (aka drumroll)....there are only 4.5 days until my sister arrives. Excited Linds? Yeah, I thought so....Only 3 days of work left for you too, AND you are two hours ahead of me...Lucky. Bought any more snacks yet? Notice how I am trying to entice you into leaving me a comment by asking you questions? Yeah, I'm pretty smart.

The other day I bought myself The Village. It was on sale. It is a great movie...and just a LITTLE scary. Plus the music is great...and I like the main character Ivy. I'm not exactly sure why I am drawn to her character since she is far more bolder than I. I suppose it is my personal desire for bravery (which, according to Facebook I am sorely lacking).

I had to renew Mansfield Park at the Library today. I think my brain is turning into mush...and so quickly! I must keep it active, must! School is still two months away!

Well, my paragraphs are getting shorter, so I must be getting tired.

Goodnight.

ha ha.

ha.

"There is nothing like employment, active indispensable employment, for relieving sorrow."
Jane Austen in Mansfield Park

All That I Can Say

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet


David Crowder

My toe is healing very nicely. The pretty colours are fading, and the swelling has been greatly reduced. This is good. Especially since I do not have an office job. ha ha. I realized that at the moment, I am working five different jobs. I work at a daycare, I work at a childcare resource and referral office, I work at the Family Place, I coordinate a play time for kids 8-12, and I paint/stain whenever I have time off, which has not been as often these days. I have a calendar that has lots of times and places written on it to help me remember everything. It makes me feel very important. I especially enjoy carrying it around with me, and then when people ask if I am busy on a certain day, I can whip it out and pretend like I am a lawyer or something.

This weekend was rather un-relaxing, as I worked 12 hours on friday, and then most of saturday. Today was my rest day but I was so tired that it was hard to rest. If that makes any sense at all. I woke up still thought processing, because I didn't have time to get it out of the way before. That is an annoying way to be awoken. I'm sure this week will be better...and not so hectic.

I apologize if this blog appears to be my venting ground. I realize that I talk about work and painful appendages a lot. Unfortunately those two things are fairly prominent (and rather annoying) in my current life.

I will try to expound my thoughts in other areas of life:

*My dad is in Mexico building houses. I think that is pretty great.

*The weather is nice, I need to do laundry. These thoughts are connected because I have run out of clean shorts, which I need to wear because of the nice weather.

*My sister is coming for a visit.

*I am overwhelmed with a multitude of responsibilities.

*I am envying my childhood.

*Tomorrow is Monday. Already.

*I am searching for meaning. In relationships. In work. In school. In life. In God.

*I am finding joy in drinking tea and reading.

*I am thankful for grace and forgiveness.

*I like the Lion King. Lots and lots. It is just a great movie. It even has that whole Hamlet symbolic thing going on. Plus the whole African setting thing is a pretty big bonus.

*I am enjoying getting to know my coworkers.

*I need to pray more.

There, those are some thoughts that I have been mulling over this week.

A Lament to My Toe

Oh dear little toe, how I lament your bruisidness. Your function has been "sorely" missed in the past few hours. When I walk down the street I consider your swollen state, and sigh. When I chase children around, I cringe with teary eyes when their sandaled feet step on you. Oh toe, you are worthy of great affection, and I am realizing with dismay how you have been neglected in the past. I took you for granted. You are an asset to my body, and for that I humbly apologize for stubbing you repeatedly, and then allowing children of various shapes and sizes to step on you. How could I tell their smiling little faces to get off? They didn't know that you were being hurt....sigh. Oh toe, please get better soon. I need you more than you may realize.

Happy day, Canada!

In honor of my nation's birthday, I took a quiz on how well I know Canada. To my dismay, I failed miserably. I should have known better. I have never done very well on tests. Nevertheless, I am thankful to live where I do. I went to the park to celebrate. There were a lot of people. I love people. I just have difficulty enjoying being amid throngs of sweaty, paint-covered, sunscreen smothered bodies. BUT, I got to hold a baby. That was pretty exciting. Plus, I got to build a sand-hippo.

hiking

la la la. this is me being happy, cause i have full-time WORK!!!! at last! at last! la la la la la la la!!! and the weather is great, and people are great, and money is great, and books are great, and rabbits are evil. I am house-sitting an evil, evil bunny rabbit. It looks at me, and growls. Now, I am an experienced bunny person. I have owned at least 5 in my lifetime, if not more, and I have never encountered a rabbit that sits in the corner and bares its teeth and growls at you when you approach waving a carrot in its face. I don't know how to befriend this little monster. And in fact, I am going to give up trying to be nice. It is time to show him who is BOSS (that's me).

My family is away in Spokane, attending some baseball thingy where my brother is going to play for a MLB scout. Wow! I know nothing more about this thingy, but it sounds impressive, so I have decided that I should brag. Wow! Meanwhile, I am at home. Alone. Waaaaaay out here in the country where the fat, garbage-eating bears roam. Yes. We have bears. I have cleaned up icky garbage after their all night feasts, twice! Yuck.

Do you ever have this all-consuming fear that when you get in your car it is not going to start? Well, I have that. My car is on its last legs/wheels, and sometimes when I try to start it, it shudders and groans, and whrrrnss (I don't know how else to describe this noise). I am not worried about this when my family is home, as I know someone will come and rescue me. But when they are away, I am fearful that I am going to get stranded somewhere on the side of a country road where no one will find me for many days. Anyway, I am hoping that my car will limp along until the end of the summer. Actually what I really wish, is that I was close enough to work that I could walk, so I could save money, get excercise, and not hinder the environment!! I really do feel rather conscious stricken about all fuel I use. Sigh.

Here is some happiness. la la la la. It is time to eat!!! la la la! JOY! I love FOOOOOOOOOOD! la la la la.

Yesterday I was babysitting a little guy, and we walked down to the park for awhile to play. As we were about to leave, I heard a little girl crying. Assuming that her mom was close by, I didn't think about it too hard, until I realized that the poor darling had locked herself inside the bathroom. A nice English lady come over to help, and she managed to get the door open, saying "it's ok, sausage, it's ok." I think if I was locked inside an ugly, dirty public washroom, I would like to be rescued by a lady who called me "sausage." It feels me with warm comforting feelings, as most food does.

i found another job...

at last i have found another part time to complete my incomplete work week. i have been working 2 days at dear kootenay kids doing office work, and helping my dad out with construction stuff when he needs me, and now I can work the rest of the week doing daycare! hooray! i distinctly remember telling myself at the beginning of summer that i would never do day care again if i could help it...but that was before i lost my dream job. now i am just grateful to have full time work! i have been painting all day, and now i can't move, and it is becoming increasingly more difficult to type....

I have an acidic body!!!!!!!

There is an article here that talks about how having too much acid can affect your body, and I think it is ME!!! I have been suffering with certain symptoms, such as muscle weakness (ha ha), poor circulation, hives, and nervousness, and apparently they are all due to having an unequal PH level...I feel so great now that I have something to blame. To clarify I am not referring to the drug acid. In case there was some confusion...

Today's accomplishments:
I discovered that I am un-brave.
I drank tea. A lot of tea.
I drank goji juice (hmmm, very nutritious :)
I discovered that when you drink a lot of liquids it makes you so full and sloshy that it is hard to eat a meal afterwards.
I picked my sick brother up from school.
I laundered.
I vacuumed.
I was nearly attacked by a savage dog with a leash still attached to its neck.
I made lasagna for supper.
I went for a walk and saw the sunset.
I became frustrated.
I contemplated my current job situation, and became discouraged.
I thought about ditching school in the fall and moving to Africa.

Tomorrow's expected accomplishments:
Express unfelt emotions in a courageous manner.
Drink tea.
Go to work.
Purchase a weapon of great destructive abilities to protect myself from aforesaid savage beasts.
Move to Africa.

The Real Work by Wendell Berry

It may be that when we no longer know what to do
we have come our real work,

and that when we no longer know which way to go
we have come to our real journey.

The mind that is not baffled is not employed.

The impeded stream is the one that sings.

You know you live in BC when...

...there is an ad in the newspaper that reads:

WANTED: Outbuilding or space in garage/basement 10'x12' or larger with electricity, not grow-op.

hee hee.

Well, I have a slight headache. I realize that at this moment, sleep is my best option, but while my body is complaining with weariness, my mind seems to moving at this pretty intense speed. I have learned that at these moments, it is best to go with the flow, and follow the inspiration. Except I don't have any inspiring words....just random thoughts that keep bumping around my brain. Sigh.

I have been thinking that I have gifts. They are not easily definable ones. But they are there, I'm sure of it. And I want to use them, but I don't know how....yet. There is some stuff going on with my church, particularly with the youth. And I am frustrated. There is so much need, but I don't know where I belong. In this case, it is not really that the workers are few, but rather that the work is very messy and complicated and difficult to do.

I have also been thinking about how lately I have been struggling with two things, 1. PRIDE and 2. FEELING TOO HARD (aka being too sensitive). The pride thing is something that I thought I didn't really have too much of a problem with. I thought I was actually pretty humble. But lately things, I don't know what exactly, have been happening, that have been making me aware that I care deeply how my actions may appear to other people. I want to look perfect and cool and HUMBLE! Kinda ironic. And the feeling stuff is really quite annoying. I wish I didn't care what people think, and I could live my life being calm and confident all the time. But I care...so deeply about certain things that it scares me. It is really rather exhausting.

Here's my last thought...it is a good one. I can't remember, errrg. ummm. well....no...hmmmmm.
Darn it. My mind is completely blank. I suppose I should sleep then. This thought really was quite brilliant though...

A good song.

How miserable I am
I feel like the fruitpicker who arrived here
after the harvest
There's nothing here at all
Nothin at all that could placate my hunger

The godly people are all gone
There's not one honest soul left on this planet
We're all murders and theives
Setting traps here for even our brothers

And both of our hands
Are equally skilled
At doing evil
Equally skilled
At bribing the judges
Equally skilled
At perverting justice
Both of our hands
Both of our hands

The day of justice comes
And is even now swiftly coming
Don't trust anyone at all
Not your best friend or even your wife

For the son hates the father
The daughter despises even the mother
Look! Your enemies are right
Right in the room of your very household

And both of their hands are equally skilled
Equally skilled

No, don't gloat over me
For though I fall, though I fall
I will rise again

Though I sit here in darkness
The Lord, the Lord alone
He will be my light

I will be patient as the Lord
Punishes me for the wrongs
I've done against him

After that he'll take my case
Bringing me to light and to justice
For all I have suffered

And both of his hand are equally skilled
Equally skilled

Jon Foreman - Equally Skilled

another humbling experience...or two

This afternoon, after I got home, I discovered that I did not get the job at the advocacy centre. oh frumph. it was going to look so great on my resume. And I was going to help people. And be an advocate. A voice for the voiceless. This news did not come as a complete shock, as I was aware that I did not perform particularly well during my interview. They probably figured that if I was having trouble talking, let alone breathing during a simple interview, I would likely struggle with supporting someone through a crisis. However, they were kind and told me that they had a large number of "highly qualified applicants" and it was a "difficult decision to make" and they "enjoyed meeting me." And so. Onto the next one. Meanwhile, the summer is dwindling by, and I feel as though I haven't accomplished much (aka earned money).

I did finally purchase a library card. I had to save my pennies, as it cost a whole $30!! Apparently college students do not get very many advantages, particularly if they attend school out of the province. The selection at the library is minimal. Quite pitiful, really. But that's ok. I will just anticipate my upcoming ventures to the grand library in Winnipeg. I will go, and drink in the sight of all those books, and not have a clue where to begin looking. Perhaps a small library is a blessing, because I will actually be able to make a decision of what books to read slightly faster than I would if there were several floors of books to choose from.

Yes. I had another humbling moment. This one involved me attempting to do physical exercise. I went to the gym yesterday with my mom. She was showing me some of the exercises that she has been doing. There was this one where you kinda hold yourself in the plank position, while squeezing your bum muscles to keep yourself suspended for 2 minutes!!! Needless to say, it was difficult. Around the 1.5 minute mark, I found my body was beginning to shake, and I expressed to my mother my doubts that I would last for the full 2 minutes. At that point, a young, very fit boy who had been glancing over occasionally, informed me to tighten my bum muscles more. To which I responded in great angst, "I'm tightening, I'm tightening." Inside I was thinking, "Wow, I can't believe this kid just told me to tighten my bum muscles." Hence, the uprising of the most intense desire to collapse into insane laughter. Needless to say, I did not last the full 2 minutes.

My weekend consisted of stacking firewood, reading, and watching my brother play baseball. Oh, and getting sunburned on my forehead. My brother is pretty amazing. I think he pitched every game (there were 3 altogether). Sometimes, it is hard to believe that I am related to such a great athlete. I love sports. I'm just not super great at them.

I have an interview today at the Advocacy Centre. For some reason, the interview is not until 4:00 in the afternoon, so I have the opportunity to be thinking about it. All day. I am having an inner struggle with wanting to maintain confidence that I will get the job, while also squelching hope that I will, so that I won't be disappointed if I don't. It is all rather confusing. My poor stomach.

I had a humbling moment the other night (I have a lot of them for some reason). We had company over, and my mom asked me to remove some things from my brother's bathroom, so that it would be clean for the guests. So I removed them, and placed them in the laundry. Late that night, after the company had left, I heard my brother ask what had happened to his stuff, why was it in the laundry. Using my most patient and understanding voice. I explained to him that I had been asked to remove them so that the bathroom would be clean. My brother didn't seem to understand that most simple explanation, and repeated his question. I was getting a little frustrated, because really, I had did him a favor by making him appear to be clean and tidy. And so, I raised my voice a notch, thinking perhaps, he just couldn't hear what the heck I was saying. All of a sudden, he starts talking over me. Now I am extra frustrated, so I repeat myself at an even higher volume. My brother stops talking, and it goes completely silent, and he asks, "Jennie, who are you yelling at?" Apparently he had been talking to my parents the entire time. And I was merely talking to myself.

Experiencing God

I have been reading Brian McLaren's book Finding Faith and he talks a little about the different ways of experiencing God, and so I have been wondering when it is that I feel closest to God. I have made a list.
1. When I am walking and listening to music. Something about the rhythm and movement and connecting in a deeper way with what I am listening to and realizing how it is impacting me, and thinking thoughts and processing.
2. Reading poetry is a spiritual experience for me.
3. Working in the garden. For some reason, I have always preferred the cultivation part of gardening more than the planting. Making things look happy and trimmed and watered is very joyous.
4. Having conversations with people when you are able to understand how the other is feeling.
5. Being alone in my house and turning up the music REALLY loud and dancing like a crazy woman. Hee hee.
6. Crying, oh crying.
7. Receiving encouragement...it is so nice.
8. When you get to know a kid well enough that they feel safe with you and SNUGGLE...such a great feeling.
9. There is more, but I forget.

On another note...I had a moment of frustration yesterday...I have always been aware that I perhaps do not necessarily look my age, but do I really look so young, that the five people behind the counter would think that I was not capable of ordering a chicken? I waited for someone to assist me for about 7 minutes, and then this lady and her cart appear beside me and within seconds someone is there asking her what she would like. I know I need to become more pushy. Or maybe I just need to invest in some pearls, a neck kerchief and bright red lipstick.

Music!

Well I have figured out a way to put music on my blog. Wow. Technology never ceases to amaze me. Normally I would not force my personal music tastes down the throats (or in this case, ears) of any one who is kind enough to read my humble thoughts. However, there is the option of pressing the buttons which will allow one to either turn the music off, or change to a different song. And if, by some small chance, you, dear reader, find that you enjoy the melody that is tickling your eardrums, I will be happy indeed. I am still experimenting with adding different songs. It is all very exciting.

Lonely by Raymond A. Floss

lonely in a crowd

different from the rest
separate, apart
because of change,
experiences they can’t understand
choices and experiments taken
can I fit within their world
relate on some common level
when my life and theirs
exist on different planes

the gulf so wide,
land so foreign
in familiar surroundings

miles away
even at home

The sun is shining and it is warm! I am so thankful.

Well, despite losing a well-paying, extremely convenient job, my summer is not looking entirely dismal...just rather money-less. I have applied for a job at the Advocacy Centre working with people who are experiencing hardships such as poverty and abuse. There is also a job at the public library for a college student to coordinate a storytelling time for kids up to 12. The other available jobs are all rather uninteresting, underpaid, and not exactly in my field of interest (although I recognize I am not exactly in a position to be picky!). There is a job at the bus depot, and at the Nutrition House (I thought I might like that one, except they are looking for someone who has experience in herbal healing, and mine is rather limited). I have also applied once again to work at the daycare until I find a full time job...yikes.

I thought I should post some grad pictures and celebrate the completed ventures in my life. Hence...


Oh silly dad forgot to open his mouth.

















Sisters.












Most brilliant family minus two.











we are the same height. almost.

Disappointment

Early this morning I had a very interesting dream. I dreamed that I was in the Harry Potter movies, only we were in dark forests of BC. There was a flying broom race, and Harry, myself, and Hermione were racing against each other. We got to practice by flying over the mountains and waving to the adoring fans below. When we were about to begin the race, Harry and I decided we needed to spend some time studying the Bible. I was trying to tell him about this verse in Isaiah, and I was having difficulty communicating my thoughts, when all of a sudden, I blurt out, "Harry, you are a beautiful, beautiful man." I don't know what his response was, because at that point, the phone rang, and I was informed that the government has decided not to fund my summer student position. So not only am I out of a great, amazing, wonderful job, I didn't get to hear what Harry thought regarding my heartfelt proclamation. Extreme disappointment.

no. job. government. evil. frustrated. people. summer. panic.

It is late, and I should be in bed sleeping, or thinking about sleeping...but I don't feel like it. I woke up this morning to the smell of pancakes and voices in the kitchen, and sleepily made my way downstairs to find that, yes, my mom and dad were making breakfast together, on Mother's Day! As you may guess, I was feeling exceedingly guilty that I had not woken up early to make breakfast for my dearest mother. In fact, due to a shortage in funds, and a mental block of creativity, I did not give my mother any gifts of any kind. Shameful. I feel bad.

It is rainy here...in BC. I like the rain. I wish it rained more in Winnipeg, but seeing as I live there mostly during the very long winter season, the less cold weather the better. I walked outside in between rain showers this afternoon, and it smelled amazing!! The grass and the dirt and the fungus! Wow! No more smell of pig farms and other smells consistent with dorm living (aka Asian cooking, smelly shoes, very old dorm smell, etc.).

Now I am getting sleepy...

Last walk at Prov

Katelyn and I relaxin' on the tracks...while I nervously sense the impending doom of steel and sparks.















Evelyn and I walking along the tracks...towards impending doom?




















I don't know what is happening in this picture, but it makes me laugh every time I look at it. Amazing how carefree I can act when the impending doom remains a threat.















Still walking towards impending doom...over a raging, rushing river no less.




















Who would guess that beneath that happy exterior, a trembling little heart was beating erratically fast, anticipating that impending doom, while in the middle of a raging, rushing river.

Note #1: Evelyn and Katelyn are true heroic figures, as both went very close to the edge without batting an eye. I'm so proud.

Note#2: No one was hurt by the impending threat of steel and sparks in the snapping of these photos.

My summer job has been postponed until the third week of May. I need to find work for the next two weeks...Aw shucks...Is it even possible to find a good paying job for two weeks unless I succumb and do child care? Please don't get me wrong. I love children, just not eight of them at once trying to kill each other. I would like to take this moment to honor every person who works with children either professionally, or parently (is that a word?). It is not as easy as it may appear. The blessings reaped are earned with great sacrifice, sweat, tears, and yes...even blood (children have teeth too, you know).

On a more optimistic note, I am currently rejoicing that I can wear my pajamas all day and read. I am reading Jane Eyre, and Donald Miller, and the Reader's Digest, and pretty much any other reading material that I can get my hands on. Tomorrow, my mom and I are traveling by mini van to the exciting terrain known as Kamloops, British Columbia. We are meeting my sister, and eating and sleeping and talking...that is an assumption of course. I must pick a few books to read for the trip...however, the selection is rather dim. I have read very nearly every book in this house at least once. Oh well, on to round two. One of my first errands in town is to purchase a library card. My second, to get car insurance. Despite the beauty and solitude that comes with living in the country, there is also a stark insufficiency of people. My family is quite busy, and despite my introverted tendencies, I tremendously miss being around people.

I am home in BC, and feeling the disconnection from life as I knew it for the past several months. Why must adjustments be so hard? I know it will get easier, but it is discouraging in the beginning...everything feels new, and I don't feel as though I belong in this place.

frustration

I have too many assignments....There is too much in my mind that I can't focus. The snow is melting, and my heart is telling me to forget my woes and go for a long, contemplative walk. I think I shall. When I am walking I either have thoughts of great joy, and hope for the future, and excitement for life, or I am discouraged. In either mood, walking just soothes my soul, and helps me to process.

I am thinking about life in the city next year, and what is to come, and I cannot process it, because I don't know what is to come. If I had more information, or direction, then I could focus my thoughts. I am in a place of life that I have never entered before. Life is more open then I could have imagined. I can travel, I can work, I can go to school. I like knowing what is ahead of me. This is scary.

I am thinking about my sister leaving, and I am so happy. But it wasn't in my plan. I have to rethink my life...that sounds just a little melodramatic. I am also thinking about Allie getting married, and how the wheel of life turns in such a unique way, that it continuously catches me off gaurd.

Things that I know I like...(maybe this will narrow down my possibilities):
-I like children
-I like people
-I like gardens
-I like grey cats
-I like tea
-I like books
-I like sun
-I like flowers
-I like trees
-I like school
-I like Africa
-I like music
-I like dancing (alone!)
-I like sharing
-I like dark chocolate
-I like blankets
-I like cuddling

la la la

I am sleepy this afternoon, and it is making me feel rather out of it. Whatever IT is.

My big news of the week is...! Never mind, I was attempting to garner some exciting tidbit of gossip from my recent life, but nothing is coming to my mind.

I am going to Grand Forks this weekend...in North Dakota that is, for anyone who is reading this and lives in BC...as there is a Grand Forks there as well. This is a very exciting thing...because I am going to try and spend as very little money as possible without becoming entirely depressed because there are so many amazing things that I want to buy. Confession time: I have a weakness for new clothes. Growing up, my wardrobe consisted almost entirely of either hand-me-downs from my sister, or second hand clothing that my mother found at a great price. Now, however, separated from the oh-so-convenient hand-me-downs, and my mother's skillful eye, I have developed a love for new clothes. Justifying this love is really quite impossible, for materialistic and just reasons. And so, I am at war with my inner self to abstain from the pretty clothes...and buy only what is "necessary." Now how to define necessary...

I am immersed in writing papers and attempting to wrap my thoughts around new concepts and it is good. I am taking two literature courses this semester...and although I have taken numerable English classes before, I feel as though I am at last in a position where I can fully appreciate what I am learning. I love books...I cannot rid myself of this love. And I am realizing now that it is OK. When people write in such a way that I can feel a connection with their writing, it is a truly fulfilling experience. I think in some ways, being in school has caused me to lose sight of my love for expressions of art. I feel so caught up completing my daily to-do-lists, that I forget the yearnings of my soul. I forget the joy and relaxation that I experience when I am working on my drawings. I have forgotten the freedom and release that I feel when I dance to music. I have lost sight of my passion for books. But no longer...I am not going to relinguish the joy that I have in expressing myself, and experiencing other people's expressions. Everyday, I am going to look for ways to bring forms of beauty and art into my life, however small and insignificant they may seem, such as watching the sunset for a few minutes...or closing my eyes and really listening to the lyrics of a song.

It is the eve of my 21st birthday. Wow. I am feeling old tonight. It rained briefly tonight, the first time in many weeks. My window is open and I can smell the earth. My family is leaving for Oliver early tomorrow morning. I am sad that they are going again. I don't like living in this big empty house alone. I am trying to think of some exciting things that I can do to cheer my self up for the next week.
1. watch a movie
2. eat outside
3. drink juice
5. buy a raspberry bliss bar from the Kootenay Bakery
6. eat chocolate
7. go to the beach
8. read a book...or 10
9. write letters (the paper kind)
10. pray
11. go shopping for clothes and toothpaste and glasses
I am getting excited just thinking about all these lovely things that I can do...I'm afraid it isn't making me feel much better though. I wish I didn't have to work, and I could go camping with my parents. Oh camping. I love camping. I love being outside in the summer. I love playing frisbee and soccer and baseball. I love being with people. I wish there were more people for me to spend time with this summer. I wish I didn't feel so lonely. I wish I could trust God better with my life, rather than wishing for things that may not happen.

thank goodness for the weekend

I am enjoying my weekend with great gusto, especially after such a tough week at work. I am not skilled at all at deciphering financial information. Blech. The auditors have moved into the building, and are delighted with my presence since I provide them with a reprieve of the most mind deadening work EVER!! I have started lighting candles in my room and, despite the risk of fire, I am enjoying the calming atmosophere it provides after a long day of mind boggling work.

It is raining tonight. I am listening to my new cd that my friend created for me. I am warm and dry. My tummy is pleasently full. Could life get any better? I am very blessed indeed.

"Earthly love...is temporal and slight so that it has to be given again and again in order for us to feel any sort of security; but God's love, God's voice and presence, would instill our souls with such affirmation we would need nothing more and would cause us to love other people so much we would be willing to die for them." Donald Miller

Is life boring? No way!! Only...

I wish I had some big accomplishment to report from my summer thus far; however, my life at present is quiet, rather pleasant, and SLIGHTLY dull. I have always maintained a motto that does not allow for me to call my life boring. I would rather see the excitement and joy that life has to offer rather than be impacted by my life's predictability. Am I losing sight of God's purpose for my life? I hope not. This feeling of mundanity is rather discouraging. I can name solutions to this problem, such as getting involved at church, going out and meeting new people, finding a hobby, and just serving people in whatever way I can. But these solutions are easier said than achieved. I was asked to take charge of the bulletin at church, and although it seems a rather intriguing option that surprisingly I have not taken part in as of yet, I am hesitant as it would be a job involving only myself, and sometimes that is not so fun...but in fact rather lonely. As for meeting new people...I am excruciatingly shy, and I often don't know where to begin looking for these people who are just waiting to be MY friend. I have been doing a little bit of art work lately, but I am so impatient, and I become easily discouraged with my blatant lack of talent. And service. This one I can generally do just wherever I am, but it is somehow not filling the gaps of my unsocial little existence.

And so, I am left not quite knowing how to break free of the dullness of my life at present. I had a similar predicament last summer, and somehow got through. Perhaps the repetition of circumstances is God's way of saying, "Jennie, you have not yet truly learned what it means to be a follower of Christ in the dull times of life." Perhaps I have not. In fact I am sure of it. Patience and endurance are spirtual disciplines that I have yet to perfect. So I suppose this must be my prayer. "God, please show me how I can follow you and serve others at THIS time in my life."

Aside from the predicatment of finding life rather dull, I am enjoying being able to spend my evenings with my nose firmly in a book that is not homework related. Ahhh. I have gone back to rereading for the hundredth time some favourite childhood books such as Anne of Green Gables, etc. I have been working part time at the daycare, and I start full time work as an office assistant on the 22nd. It has been nice to work at the daycare, although I find it rather strenuous. There is a lot more chasing kids around and shouting commands than there is actually being with, and nurturing the little blessings. I am afraid to report that there are a couple of children that do fit into the holy terror category and find it their greatest delight to torment the "teacher" who doesn't really know what is going on, and try to get away with unpardonable things, such as not wearing any sunscreen because "it gets in my hair" followed by heart wrenching sobs in the coat room (Simon, age 3). AWWW! My heart can't take it I tell you!

I am a little nervous about starting work on Tuesday, although I'm sure I will live through it. I am much more worried about my road test that is looming over my head like a persistant black cloud of self-doubt. I drove for 2 hours yesterday, and only managed to stall at an intersection once. Also, I nearly ran into a yield sign. These mishaps aside, my mom has great faith in me that I am a good driver, and will do fine on my test. Now if only I could believe that as well. Among my need to trust God in the dull moments, I have also been struggling to relinquish my fears of driving. My mind says that I could permenently embarrass myself with my poor driving skills, and even worse, harm or kill someone. Heavy thoughts like this continue to torment poor lil' me.

Well, it is late and I should go to sleep. I am tired from pouring out the depths of my soul. There's more to pour, but I should save some of it for another day, when I am feeling less cynical about life and my abilities.

Spring!

It is Thursday evening, and I am nearing the end of my busy week, with another two on the way. I feel like I am running around constantly, and I don't even have time to do anything, like clean my room, or bathe, or do laundry!! Wow, I must be really unhygenic right now.

The other day, I was listening to my friend Larisa play a song she had written, and I felt feelings of love and joy and happiness and delight and hope. I realised how little I actually feel excited and happy and HOPEFUL in my life. I went to the Play last night (for those who don't know, it was the story of Helen Keller), and what I came away with was a satisfying, rather gentle impression of hope. There is so much darkness and disquieting things everywhere, and it can become rather oppressive. All this to say, I think GOd wants me to take greater delight and joy in this place he has put me.

And it is almost spring. Alexandera spotted Geese flying NORTH (there were some who were going South, but we determined that they were merely lost or tired, and not actually re-fleeing the cold). That makes me cheerful indeed!! I must sing and dance and twirl! However, I must study for an exam before I will allow myself to party to such an extent. I will give myself the liberty, however, of thinking nice thoughts while I sit and read about adolescents. I am rather thankful that I am no longer one myself, so I suppose that is my first nice thought. May you (faithful readers!) be blessed in all you do.

BUSY, busy, busy....my life is busy, but WONDERFUL!! I had a beautiful weekend (at my sister's!!!) and I feel rejuvinated and refreshed. But am I refreshed enough to tackle the insurmountable amount of homework that is beginning to arise in the near future and is even now beginning to grip me!!!??? (big deep breath in and out. **SIGH**) I know I will get it all done, but how well, and with what sacrifices, I'm not sure.

My parents are in Mexico showing the love of God to cute, brown, little children. I wish I could be there. Sometimes while being in school I feel as though I am not really fufilling any purpose. That sounds silly cause I am learning so much. However, I would like to start GOING and DOING things, and being active in a church and community, and building lasting relationships and serving people. I am content where I am...but sometimes I wonder at where it is taking me, and what purpose it will have in my life. If only I could forsee the future, perhaps it would still this bubble of panic that rises in my chest whenever I think of summer jobs or what I am going to do after I graduate. I want to GO somewhere and SERVE, but I guess I am glad I am not, because I definitely have a lot of FEAR!!