Notice

When loneliness comes stalking, go into the fields, consider
the orderliness of the world. Notice
something you have never noticed before,

like the tambourine sound of the snow-cricket
whose pale green body is no longer than your thumb.

Stare hard at the hummingbird, in the summer rain,
shaking the water-sparks from its wings.

Let grief be your sister, she will whether or no.
Rise up from the stump of sorrow, and be green also,
like the diligent leaves.

A lifetime isn't long enough for the beauty of this world
and the responsibilities of your life.

Scatter your flowers over the graves, and walk away.
Be good-natured and untidy in your exuberance.

In the glare of your mind, be modest.
And beholden to what is tactile, and thrilling.

Live with the beetle, and the wind.


Mary Oliver - Excerpt from her poem, "Flare"

Apologies for this (and other things)

Get ready for it...Self-awareness at its most blatant is circling the air in thick fumes and settling across my shoulders with a shudder of severe exaggeration and melodramatics.

After indulging in vast amounts of peanut butter and chocolate chips, I have spent the evening remarking upon this past week.

PLEASE NOTE: I am currently unemployed and waiting for the Tuesday to occur so that I will have finished at least one day of this dreaded school year. I am not usually this bitter towards academics, and I actually have a great deal of fondness for the scholastic institution, I am just having a moment. Hopefully a brief one.

FORMULATIONS:
1. I am pretty surprised that I am studying to be a social worker.

2. I am utterly and completely bereft of finances due to my lazy and procrastinistic nature, which is causing havoc with my ability to pay for the aforementioned schooling. Today I received a white scrap of paper with an obscene amount of money that represents a mere quarter of this fall's tuition. Ouch. I cannot even buy those beautiful prismacolour pencil crayons that are just sitting there useless in the store waiting for some rich person to snatch them up and give them to their five year old godson who will drop them on the floor, thus breaking the fragile lead encased within. hurmph.

3. I am a pretty foul friend, when all is said and done. I will not weasel my way our of this one, but I take full ownership, and merely state that I am still learning and developing. Even though I have a brain capacity similar to a pubescent, my intentions are sometimes good.

4. I like simplicity. I hate clutter. I hate mess. I hate useless knick knacks that have no meaning for my existence. I do not consider my 9 potted plants as clutter. They have a use in that they provide me with oxygen. When you live with 8 other people, you loose your oxygen much faster.

5. I can walk twice as fast in the summer than I can in mid-winter. I timed it today. Probably due to the fact that winter includes 2 factors such as wind and snow pants, both which can slow one down.

6. I like this band: Taken by Trees

Apologies for the sardonic nature of this post. It has been a long week.

Rain

Newest roommate Bethany showed me this video...and it pretty much sums up my entire existence of the last couple days.

My thoughtful conclusion: Roommates are essential. All of them.

An update:

I am back in Winnipeg preparing for another year of school which will most likely result in a severe psychological disorder. So before I start whimpering and throwing any computer in sight out the window I thought I would make a note of my current happy emotional state. In a few months I can look back on this post and remember the good ol' days. The days of waking up late, wandering around the house in my pajamas, taking the dog for a walk, reading, and sitting on the deck doing nothing.

I tried to weed my crazy, overgrown garden this morning. I got attacked by a prickly weed so i left the carrots alone. Then I picked up a 4 foot tomato plant, and stood there for a few minutes thinking about how I could make it stand up. I couldn't think of any ideas that would not cost money. So I let the plant flop back over.

It is cloudy today.

Katie gave me her flannel sheets.

I have 5 new flavours of Rooibos tea.

Kim gave me a pretty new scarf.

Gasp.

I guess I am preparing for the autumn season.

Grey Weather

Isn't this lil' trolley cute? It goes back and forth along the water front in dear Nelson, BC, and picks up tourists along the way. In my day care months, we would take the wee children on board to add a little excitement to the day. This trolley is 110 years old, and has had a colourful past improvising as a chicken coop, dog kennel, restaurant, etc.

The last couple of days, my brother and I have been weed wacking the trolley tracks, which are overcome with weeds. Weeds as tall as my hip bone. I'm serious. Anyway, I make no claims to be a weed wacker professional, and my body would agree. I feel like I have been run over by a trolley.

Today is a grey day. Listen to Gregory and the Hawk if your day is also grey.

Happy Sigh

I'm pretty sure I love being home.

At the moment I am sitting outside listening to the hum of crickets, with a black cat sleeping on my feet, and a warm breeze ruffling my hair into my eyes so I cannot see. Oh joyous.

I have experienced some pretty amazing things since I have been home, and I have been able to refresh a spirit that was rather dry. You know your spirit is losing its life when it gets harder to laugh. A holiday was imperative.

My Recent holiday experiences:

1. Realizing that the bathing suit that used to belong to my sister, and that I have owned since I was 12 is now too tight for comfort.

2. Turning one year older always provides opportunity to reflect on the experiences throughout the year, such as nearly shriveling up into a pile of dust after this past year at Booth College, and perfecting my ability to write my papers in between sniffles and random angry outbursts, because the first copy didn't save properly.

3. Listening to a delightful concert by a man named Dan Mangan.

4. Being completely, overwhelmingly, magnificently surprised by two impish roommates who decided to trek hundreds of kilometers to visit grand BC and wish me a happy birthday. Golly!

5. Taking part in illegal activity. Pictures will be posted. Because I feel guilty and I need to come clean.

6. Eating two whole birthday cakes by myself.

7. Eating scads of fresh raspberries and huckleberries smothered in cream.

8. Eating...well, lots of free food.

9. Swimming a lot. This is a thing I have never really done, but I quite enjoyed it. Especially in the moonlight in my birthday suit (note: indecent exposure is not the aforementioned illegal activity and no pictures will be provided).

10. Hanging out with my family is pretty cool. Right now they are at the local Nelson workout gym, becoming toned and gaining vast amounts of muscle. I don't mind. Someone has to stay home and watch for bears. The other day my mom and I stepped in bear poop up to our kneecaps while picking huckleberries. Yuck!

Three more days till I am comin' home

Cue music and picture a studly man with a beard singing this soulful tune...

"Three more days...you know I will be comin' home to you...I know its wrong to be so far from home...wooahh."

Yes. I am writing another paper.

For those of you who may notice, or care, or wonder...

...I know my playlist is just a little out of control. With well over 100 songs, I constantly add new music and move it around. Constantly. I find it very difficult to delete songs that have been on there for a very long time. Each one has such a special place in my heart. You know, like that shirt with the soft material that you save to wear for special days, and can't bear to take to the Thrift store even though it has a stain from that day you spilled coffee on yourself.

The presence of the playlist probably presents more annoyance than delight to most readers of this blog, as you race to press the stop button before the music begins to play. And for that I apologize.

However, I must admit that I absolutely adore finding new music and I delight in the potentiality of sharing it with an audience who may, maybe, might find a note or lyric of significance. I am not under any false pretenses that my adoring public probably thinks my folk/rock/pop/instrumental/etc taste in music quite ridiculous. Being the only person in this 7 person house who is not a fan of country music, I realize that everyone has a unique perception of musical genius. My roommates have great ambitions to force me to embrace the wonders of that twangy noise. I am trying to have an open mind.

Although I appreciate music from all different locations on this earth, I am currently enjoying several Canadian artists. My particular recent favorites are Stars, Hey Ocean, Patrick Watson, Aidan Knight, and Sierra Noble. Kudos to Patrick Watson who just won some cool award for his tunes.

May you find your own delight in experiencing those artistic creations that serve to bring greater depth and meaning to this life.

A study of hilarity...

Flies in the Apartment:
Chuck captures and releases a fly outside.

Lindsay: “Chuck, I just kill them.”

Chuck: “But then you have to do something with their bodies.”

Lindsay: “I put them in the garbage.”

Chuck: “Oh...that works.”

Chuck captures another fly and releases it outside.

Sierra Noble

Here is a great local singer, discovered by my sister. Happy Sunday!

Possibility - Sierra Noble (Official Music Video)

I love...

You can always tell when I am writing papers, because I tend to post more blogs.

Procrastination at its most blatant.

The smokey smell of my incense is making me sleepy, and my pillow looks so soft and cuddly...

Any good wake-up tactics?

I love this blog: The Pioneer Woman. She is a middle child like myself.

I love warm breezes.

I love Fridays...the ones without papers.

I love my plants.

I love getting mail...even if it is from student loans.

I love being able to walk home for lunch.

I love listening to elderly people share stories...even the painful ones.

I love Ben Gibbard's voice.

I love having 6 roommates.

I love knowing that I am going home in 2 weeks.

I love talking to my sister about childhood memories.

I love getting up early, even when I don't want to.

I love changing my clothes when I get home from work into comfy clothes.

I love how the rain storm killed my garden.

Note: There may have been a hint of sarcasm in that last one. Stupid drainage pipe.

My own pretend folk fest

This weekend is the big deal Winnipeg Folk Fest...and I am unable to go for a myriad of silly reasons that really should have no significance in light of such a momentous occasion.

Here are the bands that I especially would have liked to see:

Great Lake Swimmers
Iron and Wine
Hey Rosetta!
Josh Ritter
Patrick Watson
Punch Brothers featuring Chris Thile
Joe Pug
Dala
Okkervil River
Amelia Curran
Mirah
Oh, and Fred Penner for old times sake.

I am writing my lovely research paper and listening to some tunes on my laptop, and pretending that folk fest is actually occurring in my bedroom.

It's rockin' tonight, baby!!

Check out the playlist to your right, and join me on this lil' adventure if you are also unable to attend folk fest.

Ok, I'll Try...

"Don’t get bogged down by the rules and regulations that contain you. Find ways to get beyond them and create your own destiny. Don’t be limited by mundane responsibilities in carrying out a job. Look for a job that can give you an expansive view, one which you can bring to it your skills, your strengths, and recognize that everyone has their own limitations and their own disabilities. …that there are no limits to success. And don’t get contained by the term “social work.” Don’t get limited by what the field is today, but move it to the vision of the world tomorrow. Dream about the future to make people’s lives better and then go out and do it...."

The place for social workers on the net.

tired

Twas a dark and stormy night.
The air was cool, the wind was strong, and the clouds cast an eerie glow.
The street lights were buzzing and flickering.
And Jennie was walking the streets of Wolseley.
When suddenly, out of nowhere, a raindrop spattered against her cheek.
And she turned around and went home.
Too tired for an adventure in the rain tonight.


It is Sunday evening and there is nothing I would like better than to curl up in my lil' bed with a cup of hot tea and a good book.

I hate papers. They destroy all that is good.

Dr. D

Today is Father's day, and I would like to commemorate my daddy through this post for his utter diligence and devotion to his family.

Good job dad.
I would have made you a cake if I were a few miles closer.

Some facts that I would like to share about my dad:

-my dad makes the best coffee in the world, by roasting his own beans, and experimenting with beans from different countries...look out starbucks.

-my dad is the hardest working person ever. Even on his days off, he is busy. I am feeling guilty just thinking about it.

-my dad is a very well read person. And he likes to learn about things, like facebook and guitars and beer.

-my dad has this weird obsession with strawberries and rhubarb.

-my dad is definitely an oldest child.

-my dad used to ride motorcycles until he had kids.

-my dad has the most hilarious humour and I probably appreciate his terrible puns more than I should.

-my dad likes candles.

-my dad talks to my cat when he thinks no one else can hear him.

-my dad would play baseball with me and tell me encouraging things.

-my dad prays for me everyday.

Random Spring Photos

The Return of the Cat

I love cats. Much to the chagrin of my father and my sister, and probably a lot of other people, I adore the sweet, fuzzy little creatures. But there is something about cats that I severely detest....their tendency to use freshly tilled dirt as their bathroom of choice. Today The Cat has once again used my lil' garden as his litterbox, successfully dug up a section of my snapdragon seeds, and left proud, wee footsteps to mark his trail.

This means war.

I have an unfortunate case of the stomach flu. I forgot how much I hate throwing up. So now that you have a visual picture of me standing over the toilet retching, I will show you how I am spending my time between episodes (and, no it does not include writing my paper...)

Watch this :)



Every time I see Julia lying on the floor I giggle, because I can just imagine my a certain member of my family doing the exact same thing. ha ha ha!!! I am deeply amused.

I also made up a little ditty about having the flu. It is sung to the child's tune of "We're Going to the Zoo".

I have got the stomach flu, flu, flu,
Oh, How about you, you, you,
You could have it too, too, too,
So wash your hands, do, do, do.

(IMPORTANT NOTE: Janna, make sure you wash your hands, because I am pretty sure I breathed on you last night.)

Identity Crisis

The staff room coffee pot is like a looming presence that I have resisted for several weeks, and have at last accepted as part of my morning routine. Yes. I think I am addicted. This is creating havoc with my prolonged tea drinking routine. I have to cut back on the caffeinated tea in order to make room for my newly formed coffee drinking habit. This is creating tension between my tea self, and my emerging coffee self.

My mother is arriving for a little visit in approximately 14 hours. I am pretty excited. I am trying to scheme my way out of practicum tomorrow afternoon to hang out with her. Maybe if I bring doughnuts to dunk in the infamous staff room coffee.

Funny story as told to me by roommate Kate:
Kate was walking down good ol' Westminister Ave, when she saw some kids riding by on their bikes, yelling and swearing, and dropping the f-bomb as many times as physically possible. A gigantic man in a trench coat who was walking behind Kate boomed, "hey, stop that swearing or wash your mouth out with organic soap." Sigh, it reminds me of dear Nelson, except there was an absence of the sweet scent of marijuana lingering in the air.

Continuing thoughts

I am not exactly sure why, but I took advantage of this beautiful day off to start a new blog...Here it is.

I also wrote 2 papers, and made perogies, and cleaned the microwave, and mopped, and bought a closet organizer so I don't have to stuff my clean underwear into the bottom of my laundry basket. I need another day off to recover from my extreme productivity.

I also discovered that I can become remarkably introverted. Today I had this weird feeling of the whole world sort of fading away, and seeming remarkably unimportant. All that seemed to matter, was this urge to find the quietest, less populated area possible. I tried to fight this urge, because it frustrates me. I want to be people-friendly all the time. Such a silly self-centered self.

I like this band, and not just because they are Scottish, like another good band I know.

Today is Monday, and I am NOT at work.

It is a day of rest today. An extra lil' holiday to be taken from practicum and business. However, it is not a holiday that constitutes the resting from papers that still need to be handed in. Blech.

Today we are making homemade perogies. I am learning about the ways of the Mennonite folk.

It is so windy this morning, that each gust past my bedroom window makes it rattle. It is rather comforting to be on the inside.

I have just received my sister's completed thesis via email in all its glorificus. It is entitled: Rethinking “Nature in General”: Wendell Berry, The Land Institute and a Relational View of Nature.

I know I am impressed all ready. The longer the title, the more intense the paper. My papers have very short titles. Like "Log #4"...but they are VERY intense.

I haven't read her thesis yet...but I have observed from my initial glance that it looks pretty amazing. Constructive, logical, AND beautifully written.

I am mentally and researchly preparing for my two therapeutic groups that I will be conducting for my practicum in June/July. The topic is: Reminiscence...

Anticipated Summer Pastimes:
1. Go to the library and read books that are unrelated to aging and dementia
2. Go to the park and read aforesaid books.
3. Gardening!! I currently have 3 pots of herbs, and 2 pots of tomatoes, and I am waiting until it gets a little warmer to do the outside planting.
4. Drink tea and homemade lemonade
5. Learn how to become an effective communicator.

Today I am thinking about oceans and evergreen forests and home. Riding the ferry. Hearing the fog horn. Watching the mist. Feeling the water spray. Smelling the distinct oceany air. Inhaling the earth. Touching rough bark. Standing in a quiet place. Accepting the stillness. Being in a place of familiarity.

It has been a hard week.

I am learning things about communication, and my utter finite being.

Time for some (indoor) gardening. The weather is not really cooperating with my planting schedule.

"I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
I held on as tightly as you held onto me."
Patrick Watson

Does your own soul need comforting?

Mine does...here is my favorite poet yet again reminding her reader of the everyday joys that can supersede the tough stuff.


Such Singing in the Wild Branches by Mary Oliver

It was spring
and finally I heard him
among the first leaves -
then I saw him clutching the limb
in an island of shade
with his red-brown feathers
all trim and neat for the new year.
First, I stood still
and thought of nothing.
Then I began to listen.
Then I was filled with gladness -
and that's when it happened,
when I seemed to float,
to be, myself, a wing or a tree -
and I began to understand
what the bird was saying,
and the sands in the glass
stopped
for a pure white moment
while gravity sprinkled upward
like rain, rising,
and in fact
it became difficult to tell just what it was that was singing -
it was the thrush for sure, but it seemed
not a single thrush, but himself, and all his brothers,
and also the trees around them,
as well as the gliding, long-tailed clouds
in the perfectly blue sky - all, all of them
were singing.
And, of course, yes, so it seemed,
so was I.
Such soft and solemn and perfect music doesn't last
for more than a few moments.
It's one of those magical places wise people
like to talk about.
One of the things they say about it, that is true,
is that, once you've been there,
you're there forever.
Listen, everyone has a chance.
Is it spring, is it morning?
Are there trees near you,
and does your own soul need comforting?
Quick, then - open the door and fly on your heavy feet; the song
may already be drifting away.

Dear Mom,

When the world is dark and scary, you remind me about the red tulip that comes up behind the compost pile.

And I realize,

That there is hope...
In spring.
In life.
In the midst of discouragement.

I hope that you know,

How much...

How very much...

I love you.

I wish I could give you real ones.










PLUS:
I wish I could make you some rooibos tea.
And bake you some apple crisp.
And go on a spring walk. And hang out.
Cause really I just miss you a lot.

oh golly

Heavy sigh.

And breathe.

I accidentally screwed up one of my practicum papers, and so I am yet again testing out my skills of writing a paper at the eleventh hour. ha ha.

Booo school. Minimum wage has never looked so good to me.

Brown is a very nice colour.

I want my life to be one of love. I want to love people. I want to take them outside in the garden and carry them armfuls of flowers. I want to hold their hands and tell them I think they are beautiful. I want to accept their words and recognize their hurt. I want to be with them in the midst of their pain and sorrow.

I don't want to develop group therapies and conduct MMST's. Is social work truly a means to the end that I desire?

Simplicity
Emily Dickinson

How happy is the little stone
That rambles in the road alone,
And doesn't care about careers,
And exigencies never fears;
Whose coat of elemental brown
A passing universe put on;
And independent as the sun,
Associates or glows alone,
Fulfilling absolute decree
In casual simplicity.

After my first full week of practicum, and spending my days with delightful senior citizens, I cannot help but be thankful for my freedom. Fleeting and uncertain though they may be, I am grateful for the provision of weekends.

I have gained many insights through this first week:

1. I have the ability to strike fear in the hearts of poor elderly people who suffer from paranoia. This is a new experience for me, and is both frustrating and intoxicating. Don't worry, I will use my power wisely...

2. I am both energized and exhausted through social interactions. I come home feeling exhausticized.

3. Patience is a virtue that I need. It is easy to forget the sadness, pain, dementia, and exhaustion that can impact one's cognitive awareness.

4. People need meaning and purpose to feel like they have worth and value and self-esteem. Discovering and reminiscing about stories is extremely therapeutic for everyone, I think; hence the need for the therapeutic group I am developing on reminiscence.

5. The aging process is beautiful and painful and slow and fast. I think I forget about the deep needs that people have at all stages of life.

6. Relationships and community are VITAL for a healthy, happy life.

7. I want to be cremated. I think. And possibly tossed into the ocean. Or used as fertilizer for some pretty flowers. Much cheaper.

8. Simple gestures, touch, words, even the inclusion of one's presence can provide joy.

9. Musical activities are the most populated social activities among the elderly. I think this speaks to the reality that music is an important element of the soul that needs opportunity to be expressed and enjoyed.

10. Do I want to work with elderly in the future? Possibly. I wouldn't want to deny anyone the opportunity to kick me out of their room, or sing loud, obnoxious Italian music in my ear, or tell me the same story every five minutes.

11. According to the security man when taking my photo for my ID card, I have the worst devil eyes he has ever seen. Hmmm. Not exactly something you want to hear on your first day of working with elderly.

I want seed balls...

Oh how I want to be done studying for exams. Right about now I wouldn't mind walking around the neighborhood hucking balls of dirt. If only...

Homework? Who needs that stuff...when you can eat yummy things?

Thank you Lord for caffinated beverages

Writing papers all day can actually produce something good...the discovery of new music!!

Check out this interesting band:

Horse in the Sea

56 pages done, and still going strong...I love group counselling. So much.

It's Been a Long Day

My day started out rather abruptly (and coldly), as my assistance was required to help push dearest roommate (Chrissy) out of the driveway. Her car, that is. After some futile pushes (on my part, cause Chrissy is buff, and my workout regime does not appear to be garnering significant results in muscle tone), we found success in the combined efforts of some neighbor.

Following this exciting event which really feels like it occured yesterday due to its early morning nature, I attempted to redeem my my Human Behaviour paper in the remaining 23 minutes before leaving for class. It wasn't actually something that could be achieved in an hour.

The computers at Booth are remarkably slow, and normally I am quite content to sit and stare at the screen while it loads, and think about all the things I could be doing (flossing my teeth, clipping my toenails, etc). However, this morning we were rather late for class, and I admit that I muttered a couple of bad words at the stupid computer. This negative reinforcement (as a form of learning theory) did not produce any positive results, although my paper did eventually print.

Later in the afternoon I spent some time working at the ol' library. My favorite task involves watering the plants. My least favorite task involves reading shelves to make sure that all the books are in order.

I have now retreated to my room to sit on my bed. I am listening to the sounds of my roommates watching Lost, as I begin to write this monstrous paper that is due on Monday. My eyelids are drooping and I am attempting to motivate myself through the positive reinforcement of sleep. However I have realized that this tactic does not work on oneself. Negative reinforcement (the looming F+) is far more motivating. And so, the birth of the group counselling paper extraordinaire begins.

Mistakes we knew we were making

I recognize that I am technically wholly immersed in "crunch time", and should really be spending my time writing papers, as opposed to writing on my blog. I have no excuse.

Today we (well, Katie really), got a lil' doggie. She is very sweet and loving. You can read about our grand experiences here.

I am homesick. Or merely experiencing lingering pangs of indigestion. In either case, I wouldn't mind going home for a little trip. It doesn't look like this will happen until August, however.

Also, I simply must express my new found love regarding this lady's poetry. Although today was certainly not a sunny day, this poem reminds me of days to come hopefully soon!


Why I Wake Early by Mary Oliver
Hello, sun in my face.
Hello, you who made the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories,
and into the windows of, even, the
miserable and the crotchety –
best preacher that ever was,
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever-darkness,
to ease us with warm touching,
to hold us in the great hands of light –
good morning, good morning, good morning.
Watch, now, how I start the day
in happiness, in kindness.


May your days be filled with happiness and kindness despite miserable occurrences that generally tend to occur in this life thing.

swirling
green leaves dance
inside my cup.

moving
purple shadows
inside my room.

feeling
blue dampness
inside my heart.

knowing
white flames of love
inside my world.

holding
pink blossoms of spring
inside my mind.

Today is the last day of Winter. Spring is near. My heart is glad.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Cheese and Whine

Hmpf. I guess it still surprises me that getting a lower mark can cause me to reconsider my life's journey. I have gotten enough bad marks in my little life to be so affected by this one. My hope is that one day I will be mature enough to disengage my sense of worth from my grades. Today I feel as though I am finally able to say, "SCREW IT ALL!" I have far more reliable means to find my meaning in my life than the stupid educational system. I am embracing the fact that if I want to help people, it is going to take a lot more than a (insert bad grade)to stop me. HAA! Take that.

Yesterday I was reading some of Emily Dickinson's poems...and I came upon my new mantra.

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

My mental image of a fainting robin pretty much consists of this lil' birdie tipping out of his nest and landing beak first in the dirt. My gut reaction is to laugh (my little brother has rubbed off on me) But the essence remains, that if I can do anything for the sake of another, my life will be worth living...and this thought is helping me continue on in this social work thing...

whoops.

Yes, it is the same plant...thriving one day, and dead the next. I'm not sure what it's problem is. I gave it sunshine and liquids and plant food...but alas, the little darling began to succumb to what ever it was that is making him sick. Sad.

Further Procrastination...

Some of my current favourites.

Rosi Golan
Steve Reynolds
Peter Bradley Adams

Here is a bit of happiness in my life.

1. I am doing my summer practicum at Misericordia Health Center which is a convenient two minute walk from my home. I am excited. I will be able to assist and accommodate elderly people in a social workey way. I'm still not exactly sure what I will be doing, but I know I have to be dressed up to do it.

2. I was able to attend the beautiful wedding of a friend from Prov this weekend. There were tears from my eyes throughout the ceremony. I'm not sure what prompted this emotional trickle, but I think the overwhelming combination of beautiful music and beautiful people, and the ridiculously excited facial features of the groom had something to do with it. Congratulations Steph and Jamie!

3. I was also able to attend Janna's birthday this weekend which included eating Indian food that was just great, and pumpkin cheesecake that was also just great. I cannot say enough good things about the food, so I figured I would not try. The people were pretty great too. Happy Birthday Janna!

4. There are only 6 more weeks of school left! Enough said.

5. Today is daylight savings time, which means the loss of a beautiful hour of sleep, but which also represents the gaining of a beautiful hour of daylight. Which means that spring is coming!

6. My room is warm (Sorry Katie).

7. I have purchased a new journal and pen, for all my journaling needs. This makes me happy.

8. I really enjoy Wolsely as a neighbourhood.

9. I am listening to piano and violins.

10. I am thankful that love can take so many different forms, and doesn't have to merely consist of romantic affection.

I am in the middle of a dark, tumultuous mist of paper-writing...and yet I cannot help but express my joy at the sunshine coming through my window, and the bag of chocolate chips at my side, and the good music playing through my headphones, and the comforting awareness of roommates in the house. The only thing that would make this moment a little brighter is a hot cup of tea, or warmed up coffee (don't worry it is decaf...or maybe that will make you worry because of the chemicals used to get rid of the caffeine that I would be consuming. At least I won't be running around Wolesly due to excess energy, cause that would be silly. You have to have a dog to run around Wolsely. Everyone has a dog here. Except for the poor college students). Wow. That was a long parentheses.

Ok, my momentary interlude is over.

Peace to you.

I love reading my sister's blog. I feel as though I have been transported into this lovely gap of cyper relating that is initially fulfilling, until I realize how very much I miss my wonderful family.

Reading Break...

...is not actually a break.

I am slightly overwhelmed with the amount of assignments that have to be completed this week.

As I am writing this post, I am sitting in the kitchen drinking rooibos and eating a supper made of vegetables with the anticipation of scarfing down a chocolate chip cookie when I am done. I live a paradoxical life.

I am desperate for nature. I like this city and being able to walk to the grocery store and little coffee shops, but I am lonesome for beautiful trees and water and birds and summer warmth. It is hard to escape worries when there is no where to go that doesn't remind me of them. I don't know where to rest in the grace of the world.

The peace of wild things by Wendell Berry
When despair grows in me
and I wake in the middle of the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting for their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

Gravity Rides Everything

I have been experiencing varying levels of discouragement this week through different arising circumstances...my emotions have consisted of anger, shame, utter humiliation, fear, and are currently hovering around something resembling a forced apathy. I wish I could be more open, and share my stories with the blogdom realm, but I realize that my words represent more than just myself.

The rather blatant and harsh lyrics of Modest Mouse seem to describe to me the wholistic human condition. We may experience hardships. But at least we ALL experience hardships. Gravity catches up with all of us in the end. None are exempt.

"In the motions and the things that you say
It all will fall, fall right into place
As fruit drops, flesh it sags
Everything will fall right into place
When we die, some sink and some lay
But at least I don't see you float away
And all the spilt milk, sex and weight
It all will fall, fall right into place"

I realize that this song is not exactly hopeful, but I guess I find comfort in the fact that common experiences build relationships which build community, which builds hope...and so I end this post upon that optimistic note.

"Everything will fall right into place."

longing

Speak to Me Gently
by Future of Forestry

Sadness and rhyme
These are the times
These are the memories
We find a way
Pushing through the day

So speak to me gently
Can you just feel the time
Falling from some place new?
Can you just feel the sign?
Love waits for you
Love waits for you

I'm searching the stars
In desperate hours
Bound to find meaning
God shows a face
In this desolate place
And tenderness meets me

Stories untold
Of redwoods grown old
Reside in the forest
And there you can hear
A whispering tear
That speaks into our loneliness

Can it be?

I am home alone today. Everyone is at work.
This is pretty much the rarest thing ever when you live with 6 other people. I am planning to wash my floor, and do some laundry, and cook something, and maybe I will do some homework. Maybe. The weather is very beautiful and cloudy, and gray and WARM! I may go for a walk also.

Yesterday while working in the library, this lady come in with a visor hat that read: "God, one day I will be rich." This individual was searching for a celibate priest who lived in a church...because she had one in Ireland. I informed her that the Salvation Army officers were generally not celibate and usually didn't live in churches, but she said she just needed help looking for one on the computer. And so, 45 minutes later, after a long, detailed conversation regarding her mission in life (to advocate for her recently deceased friend) we stumbled on google upon a church nearby that was open for drop-in on Friday afternoons. I cheerfully printed out the address, and stamped and dated the sheet (so I could be remembered for my kindness for the rest of her life) and the lady went on her way, to seek justice and wealth, and turn to her last hope, God.

And then I went back to shelving.

Guess...

I thought I would try to do something different and describe myself in pictures as opposed to words. Can you guess what I am doing???

And it is not sleeping.

Cyber-relating...to post or not to post.

At the moment I am feeling somewhat aloof. As though my experiences and thoughts are unique enough that I am the only one in the world who could somewhat relate with myself. I think that is why I am drawn to music and books and art and people. Sometimes there is a phrase, or a note, or a colour smear that moves my heart and reminds me of the existence of beauty and joy. Which then serves to prove that I am not alone. But rather I am a link, a movement, a part of this life thing. In simple terms, I think that it is easy to feel unique (which we are) but it is also important to remember that we are more alike than we realize, once we start talking and sharing our thoughts...

Here is the part where I share and force you to read about myself. This is called cyber relating.

10 things you probably never knew about Jennie:

1. I wanted to be a photojournalist for National Geographic for most of my life.

2. I never planned on moving to Manitoba. Ever. It just happened.

3. I played field hockey for one year. It did not end well. Something about my "high stick" tendency.

4. When I was in grade 9 I threw bouncy balls at cars from the top of a parkade. And I never got caught.

5. "Reading Rainbow" was my favourite show as a child.

6. In high school I learned that I could hide in the library and people thought I was smart...just because I read books. ha!

7. My hero is Ferris Bueller. He is just so cool.

8. Avocados are my favourite vegetable.

9. I experience middle child symptoms.

10. My nickname in elementary was "Bucky" because of my large, protruding front teeth. Thanks for the braces mom and dad.

Convoluted LIFE

There is something about life that is very odd. Chocolate does not fix existential problems. Sunshine does not drive away sadness. Social work classes do not automatically presume that one is aware of their purpose and meaning in life. And issues occur for which there are not 3 step solutions.

BUT.

Friends and food and tea are delightful encouragements for any malady.

I am uplifted.

This morning we made waffles.

I should be studying, but...

...they are just that good.

Wind

Blown by God toward Newness
by Walter Brueggemann

The news is that God's wind is blowing
It may be a breeze that
cools and comforts.
It may be a gust that
summons you to notice.
It may be a storm that blows you where you have
never been before.

Whatever the wind is in your life,
pay attention to it...
and the blessing of God,
Father, Son, and Spirit,
will abide with you always.


I am hoping that the wind in my life will blow away the sixty dollars of fines that I have accumulated at the library...

I have some time off before school starts on Monday and so I am enjoying listening to some nice music...

Check out Rue Royale
I think they are pretty awesome.


And Angus and Julia Stone
I think they are also pretty awesome.

Home Again

Christmas is over, and the new year is upon us! For some reason inexplicable joy is abounding in my stomach despite the necessary goodbyes which were uttered 15 minutes ago. I think I am excited to get back into the routine of school and work, despite my reservations about the rather unfortunate classes that are required this semester (blech, group counselling...no more video assignments, PLEASE!) I am also excited about being able to share the utility bills with 7 people rather than 4. YES, that is right...3 more roommates are arriving this weekend to live in our big green house. It is going to be a FULL house. But I still have the personal oasis of my bedroom. I love people. I think it will be good to have more people around.

For Christmas I received several gifts of particular enjoyment. I got an authentic Greek Fisherman's hat, which I wear with the pride of any good Greek boy (apparently they are all the rage for the male youth of Nelson. I plan to start a trend). I also got several sheets of beeswax with which I can make numerous candles. And I got a scarfette (See Etsy for definition) knitted by my sister. And a GREAT book about AIDS orphans in Africa.

I also was given a hand-me-down camera which has limited button functioning, but can still take a picture...so I can put some more pictures on my blog.

And so, despite my personal chagrin about NOT having a delayed flight (I wanted to stay home longer) I am happy to be back in Winnipeg, in dearest ugly house.

My new year's Resolutions:

1. Wear my glasses more
2. Pay the bills on time
3. Do more readings
4. Love

Home

I was hoping that if I changed the aesthetic appearance of this blog, it may bring forth more profound thoughts. Poor misguided Jennie.

Anyway.

I am enjoying home life: the pungent smell of the enormous 11 ft. Christmas tree in our living room, the crackling of the fire, the blue sky that has broken free of the thick layer of clouds, the availability of delicious treats that are remaining from my parents 25th anniversary bash, listening to Sheree Plett's Christmas songs...

Check out Future of Forestry

And the Ghost of Christmas FUTURE wins!

Things I am looking forward too:
-Going home in 1.5 days
-lots and lots of SNOW
-parents
-siblings (and sibling-in-law, I suppose)
-organic chicken
-fireplace
-bookshelves
-warmth
-living under the illusion of no responsibility
-Reading...for delight
-my dad's coffee...or at least a couple of sips
-Working on the family Christmas craft
-real whipped cream
-egg nog

Things I have yet to do:
-finish christmas/birthday shopping
-pack
-mail my student loans
-laundry!
-get rid of the perishables...bye bye spinach.

Things I have done:
-finished off some classes
-survived several days of intense cold
-been remarkably unproductive
-ummm...

It is early, and I am attempting to study and failing miserably. I think I hate exams.

Today I am overwhelmed with the beauty that is people. The unique parts of us that are different and important and so often hidden. We don't always see people's inner world, and it is easy to make assumptions...but when you get a glimpse, a fragment, a taste of who they are...yeah. Right on.

"The finest qualities of our nature, like the bloom on fruits, can be preserved only by the most delicate handling. Yet we do not treat ourselves nor one another thus tenderly."
Henry David Thoreau

Time for....

...CHRISTMAS MUSIC

Angst and Secrets and LOVE

Gasp! I have emerged from the dark depths of paper writing...for a brief interlude...to expound upon the angst of my soul.

And to share with you a poem/prayer by Walter Brueggemann from his book "Prayers for a Privileged People"

Exposed to Mercy, Truth, and Newness (on reading Psalm 32)

"We begin the new week toward you,
from whom no secret can be hid.
We have had a night,
and a weekend,
and a lifetime of secrets.

We have stored the usual list of secrets,
of acres of guilt unforgiven,
of desires too rich to utter.
Beyond that, we have a secret list of hurts,
from ancient days with parents and siblings,
from assorted bullies at playschool
and in adult life;
some of us overly sensitive,
all of us grown protective
and capable of self-pity.

Beyond that, we have a secret list of hopes,
some selfish and some noble,
hopes of new freedom and new reconciliation,
of new security and new recognition,
of doing well and being well.

We have so much to keep hidden.
And you know--
you know because you made us and have watched us
from the beginning;
you know because you see us in our waking and our sleeping;
you know because you love us right through,
beyond all of our covert capacity."

My Dad's Truck

Ok, when you have survived almost plummeting over a VERY steep cliff WHO has the presence of mind to take a picture of it with their cell phone? My dad is intense.

"His faithfulness is like a shield or a protective wall." Psalm 91:4

Community Continued....

I think that I entered into this school year with a slightly idealistic perspective about community. I thought it would be relatively easy to enter a new environment and meet people and live happily ever after. Perhaps this is due to living so many years in the wonderful bubble that is the Providence College Residence. Making friends there is not hard. But somehow, when you enter the "real" world, it seems as though the friend making process significantly slows down. Friendships that took days to form, now seem to take weeks, months.

So I am left with the feeling that I need to work harder, be more outgoing, and talk to people more than I am. Ok, I can try. Because relationships are worth it. And community is so much of life.

As a pretty dedicated introvert I cringe at the thought of stepping outside of my comfort zone and pushing myself to initiate conversation. Is there an easier way? Maybe...but I think life is too short and too painful and too beautiful to wait for someone else to make the first move. I offer myself advice in this regard: start small...but start.

Community

Community is a dance. A harmonious, warm, beautiful movement.

It is our burden. Our duty. Our longing. Our purpose.

It is action. It is growth. It is development.

"This is the duty of our generation as we enter the twenty-first century -- solidarity with the weak, the persecuted, the lonely, the sick, and those in despair. It is expressed by the desire to give a noble and humanizing meaning to a community in which all members will define themselves not by their own identity but by that of others."
Elie Wiesel

Going Home for Christmas...

...eventually

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Reader's Disgression is Advised....

Today is the anniversary of my almost severed fingers...It happened one grey, dismal Thursday afternoon 9 years ago...

The Woodworking Classroom:
...I was making my mother a cutting board in woodworking class. Grade eight. Mr. Jenson. I had this beautiful piece of maple wood, and I was using the planer so that it would be smooth and beautiful, and the wood got stuck. Now most people who are smart would have turned off this highly powerful machine in order to remove the stuck object...but I did not. I tried to pull the wood back towards me, but the blade was so strong that it pulled my fingers closer, and closer, and ZOINK. That is the sound that was made when my fingers hit the blade. I stood in shock holding my hand awkwardly, the bones protruding, the blood oozing (this is my favorite part!) and then I tried to walk towards someone, help, anybody...but my legs wouldn't move, so I stood there for awhile until help arrived, and then I was sat down by the sink, so that I would not bleed on the floor, while the school contacted someone who had first-aid training to come to the basement level, and bind me, before I left for the hospital...

The Hospital:
Three words describe this time period: tears, pain, embarrassment.
The tears did not arrive until my mother did. The pain was present for the duration, particularly while they unwrapped the initial dressing, put needles in between my fingers, and took x-rays...The embarrassment occurred when one of the nurses told me that her son was in one of my classes, and I was imagining the future discussions that would take place around school ("did you hear about the girl who almost cut off her fingers, and cried? yeah my mom was her nurse.")

The Night:
Very awkward sleep.

The Next Morning/afternoon:
Crying in the hospital waiting for the plastic surgeon to look at my hand for 5 hours...And finally having surgery, and getting my fingers reconstructed!! A happy time because they gave me morphine.

The Recovery:
Doctor's appointments.
Fellow peers laughing at the posture that my middle finger had in its bandage. Sometimes I would point it in their direction if they got really irritating.
Fear that my fingers would get infected, and amputated.
Uncomfortable bathing experiences.
My stuffed frog
and LOVE....

The Moral(s):
When there are signs on power tools that say "CAUTION" or "DANGER" pay attention to them.
AND
There are people who care about your well-being...even people who you have never spoken to before express concern...It is frustrating that it often takes a crisis to know that you are loved...so I hope this is a reminder for you that you ARE!

The End.

Recent Insights that Have Proven Invaluable in the Past Few Days:

-I cannot drink coffee any later than noon...and before that only in very small quantities...otherwise, this strange phenomenon occurs where I cannot breathe and I feel like I have to run around in circles. Plus, it makes me talk in class...yeah, its pretty bad.

-I occasionally can use humour in a negative way to reflect my cynicism. This is sometimes funny...and sometimes very awful. I would rather be a dull-witted earwig than say hurtful things to the ones I love.

-I am a people pleaser. I already knew that, but it still proves to be an invaluable insight in recent days, so there it is.

-I am skill-less...Yes it is true. I have this yearning to be cool and stuff...and have skills like canning...my sister is a great preserver. Or a great baseball player...my brother is a great 2nd base man...Or the friendly neighbourhood Wilderness Guide, I love the forest...Or an amazing singer who carries her guitar 50 blocks to the local coffee shop in order to entertain customers in exchange for free coffee and good conversation. But, here I am, in the prime of life with no real grasp on myself, except for a list of things that I would LIKE to be good at. All this to say, I have great hope for myself...one day I will laugh in the face of my skill-less days.

-Listening to Waking Ashland reminds me of my first year at Prov...and flopping around on the floor in helpless giggles. Oddest combination with this particular music choice, I know.

-I must always, always carry my house keys with me (see final insight for further insight, ha ha)

-Be a person of love and acceptance and warmth and relationship, and utter humbleness...

-Cut fingernails before playing bowling (is that the correct phrase? do you play bowling)

-Make my lunch and supper the night before Monday in order to avoid frantic grabbing of very random food items.

-Go to bed earlier to increase my brain activity...it is a true fact. I read all about it in a health magazine today while sitting in the hospital waiting room for dearest roommate who cut her self trying to break into our house.

Sun is Near...

Cold nose.
Chilly fingers.
Cramped position.
Caffeine lingers.

Typing papers.
Trailing lots.
Thoughts are fleeting.
Thinking stops.

Stuck facade.
Stranded here.
Still breathing.
Sun is near.


Found image here.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIM!

This song is for YOU!

(the first one, not the second one. hee hee)

whoops, i did it again

Growth. That age-old concept that as we develop and mature, we will make fewer mistakes, and become a person of wisdom and intellect. This is wrong. At least for me. I am discovering that I mess up pretty regularly, and it is often attributed to my lack of knowledge, my lack of humbleness, my lack of intuition, my lack of sense, my lack of...ok, I'm done.

I was reading in my counselling textbook that it is important for counsellors to have grace and courtesy towards their clients to acknowledge when they have made a mistake. This is great...but it is the last thing I would like to do. As a person who avoids conflict, I mostly just want to go home and hide under the blankets, and pretend that I didn't make someone cry by inadvertently slandering their nephew's mother-in-law who has a rare tropical disease that I was unaware of (I have nightmares of this sort of thing).

Strength of character. Patience to listen. Pursuit of truth. Demonstration of justice. Actions of love. Words of mercy. Search for knowledge. Desire for understanding. All things I am living for, and working for. And then reality hits, and I realize how small I am...and how far I have to go.

So, maybe you are wondering what mistake I made that was so awful to prompt this post on growth (or lack thereof). Well, I can't say. As a person of avoidance, I have difficulty admitting when I make a mistake. Sorry. I just don't want to lose my friends.

Speaking of, here is another roommate picture!!!

An Update:

1) I enjoy working in the library. It is a pleasant mix of monotonous work, and, uh, well, shelving? I am developing good forearm muscles dragging the obstinate book cart around, and as for shelf shifting, well lets just say that I am morphing into super bionic woman who has muscles. No laughing please (ahem, Kim?)

2) I am significantly enjoying my classes. Of particular interest to me, is Clinical Practice, and Counselling Children and Adolescents. I am considering Bibliotherapy as an occupation...with additional uses of play therapy, art therapy and cinematherapy. Did you know that there was such a thing as using books to help children and adolescents work through issues?? How wonderful.

3) It is fall, and the leaves have descended. The beautiful trees that sheltered my head from the rain as I walk to school are quite bare. The air is getting colder, as is our house. Official apologies to all visitors. BYOS - Bring your own slippers...and mitts and scarfs and down blankets, etc. We will supply the hot beverage.

4) Check out The Weepies..

The End.

Encouraging song of the week...

by Mute Math

Racing on a faultline
Bracing for a landslide
Concious of every move getting harder
Has the race gone underwater?

I keep stalling out
I just can't keep up
There's alarming doubt
Am I good enough?
But you keep coming around
To convince me
It's still far from over, oh

We are still far
We are still far
We are still far from over

I am feeling nostalgic tonight. Perhaps it is due in part to being homesick for family this Thanksgiving holiday. My sister is off becoming the next Max Weber, and my parents are home in BC enjoying the multiple pumpkin pies that were made from our home-grown pumpkins. And I, the solitary member, am far away from both.

But I will keep my upper lip stiff, and carry on...

The melancholy days are come, the saddest of the year, Of wailing winds, and naked woods and meadows brown and sear.
William C. Bryant

I dyed my hair. I have never dyed my hair before. I chose a dark brown colour called "mocha" cause it sounded tasty. Larisa did the honours for me...and now my hair looks different, and yet the same. I didn't look like the girl on the box, which was kind of a let down. Oh false advertising. tsk tsk. Consumeristic culture that I so naively "buy" into. ha ha.

This was a big deal for me, as I would not consider myself as a person entirely comfortable with change, especially when it is dye.

But I am proud that I can go out of my comfort zone and enter the dark place of hair dye and cosmetics. Gahh!

I will post pictures...

In the meantime, enjoy this carefully selected portion of my beloved Anne of Green Gables...

some long overdue pictures of house and roommates!

There is sunshine glowing through my window and reflecting off of the highly polished wooden floor. I am grateful for my lil' room and the solitude and rest it provides. I am attempting to complete my second paper of the school year, and my brain is experiencing this weird numbness where I cannot concentrate on my words. Hence, my sentences end up sounding garbled and awkward....and I am ashamed of the finished product. I am especially concerned for the myriad of video tapes and class presentations that I have to do in the next couple weeks. If I am having this much trouble writing a paper that I can edit and rewrite in the privacy of my home, HOW am I going to perform essentially on the spot in front of PEOPLE??? gahh.

In other news...

...I am the new assistant librarian person. Being surrounded by books and stuff...sounds pretty great. Maybe there is an elite librarian person club that I can join, and we can laugh at all the students who forget to bring their library cards when signing out books. ha ha ha. Too bad for you! But don't worry, I will hold your books here at the counter while you run home through 50km northern winds and piercing snow specks. Just joking. If it is within my power at all, I would let everyone sign out books, library card or not. Unless they are an axe murderer. Grace only extends so far.

This morning I trotted over to the Tall Grass Bakery down the street and picked up some bread. I got sourdough and spelt bread. It is sure to remind me of home...and Kaslo bread. hmmm.

LUNCHTIME!

My life

Papers.
Sunshine.
Leaves.
Tea.
Chocolate.
Student Loans.
Walking.
Saying Goodbye.
Saying Hello.
Food.
Job Interviews.
Work.
Books.
People.
Laughter.
and....Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

A wind has blown the rain away and blown the sky away and all the leaves away, and the trees stand. I think, I too, have known autumn too long. - E. E. Cummings

I know it is not legally fall yet...but the weather has gotten colder and windier, and grayer. It is time for scarves and toques. Our house is rather chilly, and so I have resorted to wearing woolly socks, and multiple sweaters.

With fall weather comes school. I think I have this strange addiction to school. As though I am afraid of entering the work force for good. I suppose I must soak in these last two years, as they may be my last. Although I hope they aren't. I must be ill. I'm sure once the homework hits I will feel better.

My mind is quite overwhelmed, because there are so many little things that i have to do, and i don't have time or the resources to do them...so I am in this weird space of anxiousness/helplessness.

Last night I ate a cinnamon bun from the Tall Grass Bakery, and it was pretty great. And I drank about 5 pots of tea. And I officially turned the heat on...for about 15 minutes...just to take the edge off. I think it really helped because I didn't wake up shivering this morning.

I am enjoying living in the city i think...it is nice to be able to walk places, and stuff. But it is a busy life...and I am all for living simply. I think living in dorm at Prov was nice because I didn't spend very much money. I have already spent about $15 on buying tea and goodies from the nice coffee shop down the road.

I am done work! And I am on holiday! I am admiring the beautiful Pacific Ocean at this very moment....One day I am going to live by the ocean...if it is to be part of my life's journey of course. Maybe I will live in Victoria or Kenya, or Seattle or....I am not too picky.

After perusing many delightfully expensive shops this morning with Starbucks in hand, I pondered the "richness" of life. I much prefer the simple pleasures that arise from relationships and beauty as opposed to the possessing and retaining of objects that will rust and decay. However, I also realized that I like buying things. I saw some cute story pictures by an artist Brian Andreas, that I dearly loved. I restrained myself of course, as I am living on the tightest of budgets in order to live independently.

ahhh, yes

“It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things.”

Donald Miller

And so begins my last week at home in BC before entering yet another phase in my life. My mind is full of endless lists of things that must get done before I can leave, not the least of these is the challenge of trying to cram a years supply of stuff into a 50 pound suitcase. Plus, I am searching for the perfect back pack, that will make commuting to school much nicer with my millions of textbooks, and laptop, and food, and water, and music, and extra books to read just in case, and extra clothes just in case, and TEA etc. I haven't found one yet.

And so...it is Sunday, a day that I should be using to be productive, and start on my list. But it is nice to wake up slowly and think about things like blackberries and gardens and books and tea and pretty scarves that friends give you on your birthday instead of wondering about the could-be's, and the hope-nots, and the what-ifs.

I am currently stressed...but living in denial. Which only works for so long, and is soon to come to a crashing end. Right. Now.

Current thoughts:

1. Money - it is desperately needed, and desperately hated all at the same time. I am dearly poor. But debt free...and without a bike and a car. Don't worry, I wouldn't let them take my legs.

2. Life - sweet and lovely, with the occasional pooling of emotions that brings both pain and inner reflection. Work is constant...but people are ever changing which makes my days so much more interesting. Particularly at daycare. And particularly when a certain little boy attends daycare who moves fast. Like a train. Hurtling down the track regardless of little, innocent bunny rabbits in the way.

3. Art - a necessary form of expressing oneself, that allows one to reveal their passion and identity to the people around them. It is a doorway. A window to the soul. A way to identify. A way to realize that one is not alone in the world, but there are those who know and understand. A method of communication that, at times, is far stronger than audible words can convey.

4. School - according to the textbook list, extremely out of my zone of wowness. Plus it is scary. I dream of taking classes about pencil crayon drawing, and the effects that AIDS has on children in Africa, and a class on the history and benefits of tea, and a course on beautiful music. I think the idealistic part of my INFJ personality is coming through. Social work is a means to an end...right?

5. Relationships - desired, sought after, and worked towards. Loving one another. Being accepting towards one another. Embracing those we are frustrated by. A challenge. One I often dismiss as a lower priority. I am wondering about the forgetfulness of self without becoming self-destructive. There is a balance, but the lines are blurred and situations differ.

Happy Birthday Wendell Berry...and self.

Today is Wendell Berry's birthday, and as a tribute to his personage, I have written him a little ditty.

Oh Wendell Berry you write good stuff,
You are smart and really tough.
You live on a farm and love the land,
How I wish I could shake your hand.

Oh Wendell Berry, how wise, how grand,
Your words inspire me to rise and stand...
And whisper the truth about humanity,
Which echoes about on a daily basis.

Sorry about that last line, I couldn't think of a good word to rhyme with humanity.

Anyway, here is a poem that Wendell wrote that is an especial favourite of mine. I think his own words do him justice far more than anything I could ever write about him.

Woods

by Wendell Berry

I part the out thrusting branches
and come in beneath
the blessed and the blessing trees.
Though I am silent
there is singing around me.
Though I am dark
there is vision around me.
Though I am heavy
there is flight around me.