ahhh, yes

“It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things.”

Donald Miller

And so begins my last week at home in BC before entering yet another phase in my life. My mind is full of endless lists of things that must get done before I can leave, not the least of these is the challenge of trying to cram a years supply of stuff into a 50 pound suitcase. Plus, I am searching for the perfect back pack, that will make commuting to school much nicer with my millions of textbooks, and laptop, and food, and water, and music, and extra books to read just in case, and extra clothes just in case, and TEA etc. I haven't found one yet.

And so...it is Sunday, a day that I should be using to be productive, and start on my list. But it is nice to wake up slowly and think about things like blackberries and gardens and books and tea and pretty scarves that friends give you on your birthday instead of wondering about the could-be's, and the hope-nots, and the what-ifs.

I am currently stressed...but living in denial. Which only works for so long, and is soon to come to a crashing end. Right. Now.

Current thoughts:

1. Money - it is desperately needed, and desperately hated all at the same time. I am dearly poor. But debt free...and without a bike and a car. Don't worry, I wouldn't let them take my legs.

2. Life - sweet and lovely, with the occasional pooling of emotions that brings both pain and inner reflection. Work is constant...but people are ever changing which makes my days so much more interesting. Particularly at daycare. And particularly when a certain little boy attends daycare who moves fast. Like a train. Hurtling down the track regardless of little, innocent bunny rabbits in the way.

3. Art - a necessary form of expressing oneself, that allows one to reveal their passion and identity to the people around them. It is a doorway. A window to the soul. A way to identify. A way to realize that one is not alone in the world, but there are those who know and understand. A method of communication that, at times, is far stronger than audible words can convey.

4. School - according to the textbook list, extremely out of my zone of wowness. Plus it is scary. I dream of taking classes about pencil crayon drawing, and the effects that AIDS has on children in Africa, and a class on the history and benefits of tea, and a course on beautiful music. I think the idealistic part of my INFJ personality is coming through. Social work is a means to an end...right?

5. Relationships - desired, sought after, and worked towards. Loving one another. Being accepting towards one another. Embracing those we are frustrated by. A challenge. One I often dismiss as a lower priority. I am wondering about the forgetfulness of self without becoming self-destructive. There is a balance, but the lines are blurred and situations differ.

Happy Birthday Wendell Berry...and self.

Today is Wendell Berry's birthday, and as a tribute to his personage, I have written him a little ditty.

Oh Wendell Berry you write good stuff,
You are smart and really tough.
You live on a farm and love the land,
How I wish I could shake your hand.

Oh Wendell Berry, how wise, how grand,
Your words inspire me to rise and stand...
And whisper the truth about humanity,
Which echoes about on a daily basis.

Sorry about that last line, I couldn't think of a good word to rhyme with humanity.

Anyway, here is a poem that Wendell wrote that is an especial favourite of mine. I think his own words do him justice far more than anything I could ever write about him.

Woods

by Wendell Berry

I part the out thrusting branches
and come in beneath
the blessed and the blessing trees.
Though I am silent
there is singing around me.
Though I am dark
there is vision around me.
Though I am heavy
there is flight around me.

Today has been OK. I filed and listened to CBC. I thought about the poor boy on the greyhound bus, and decided that I am very thankful I am flying back to Winnipeg.

Here are some pictures of my sister's recent visit.

Beatboxing...of course.

And a video...

Current Rambling Thoughts

Social work? what, I can't do Social Work! I must be crazy yes, yes. Crazy hmmm. Married? My friend is married? Today? OH MY GOODNESS! My friend is a married person. Wow. So great, and yet just so weird. Really crazily. Change. Life is change. Roommates. I think people must not like me. Or something. God? why don't people want to be my roommate? Why is it so difficult to find roommates? Why is it so stressful not having enough roommates? Life. Life has stress. A thought: I am an ISLAND. Not in a depressing, anti-people sort of way...but in a way where I am realising that I cannot rely on people to fill me, to make me HAPPY. I can't. I try and wait patiently for people to come into my life and bring me satisfaction. But people are far too disappointing. I NEED GOD! I like my daycare job. I don't like my filing job. Filing is strenuous. Too much dust. Too much stuff. Too much garbage. Too many papers. Sun. I like sunny days. I like Africa. I want to go to Africa soon. I wish I had brought my African Summer tea home. I wish it wasn't packed up and sitting in Winnipeg. I wish that I knew my living situation better for the fall. I wish I could stop worrying. I like tea. Tea is soothing. Tea is nice. I spilled my tea in my car twice. It was sad. I am going hiking tomorrow. Glad. I like to hike. I like to be outside. But I enjoy my bed. I need to go to bed. I am an introvert. Most times. Yes. I am. Bed. OK

wahhhhh!

Last night I had a horrible dream...I was in school, and I had just written a sociology paper for Dr. Hiebert and I had worked soooooo hard on it, and put so much thought and effort and passion into it. This paper was worth 30% of my grade, and when I received it back I had only been given 1 out of 30. In tears of shame and horror, I took my paper to my professor in a valiant attempt to get what I felt was a just grade...to my dismay, Dr. Hiebert refused to change my mark, and I failed the course. I woke up in tears. To be fair, Dr. Hiebert would never be this hard hearted, and so I am consoled knowing that it was all a bad dream. Whew! I guess I am starting to think about school again. In light of Evil Wednesday rapidly approaching in less than an hour, school work is starting to look pretty appealing. Just gotta get through tomorrow..."chug, chug" said the little engine that could...........(sorry, too much daycare!)

Jennie=very tired polar bear

It is Tuesday evening. Tomorrow I am working at daycare all day, and then in the evening I am coordinating a play time for ridiculous, loud, mouthy boys ages 8-12 (I like them, I really do!). It may come as a great shock to most people, but I have a hard time speaking loud enough for very 20 million noisy kids to hear. And so, most Wednesday evenings I return home with a sore throat and a voice like Louis Armstrong. I am going to buy a whistle. A really loud piercing whistle. How did I get this job if I am not so great at leading really large groups you may ask? Well, it was offered to me out of desperation...how could I turn it down? It just creates a VERY long workday, that involves A LOT OF KIDS!! I find that I prefer the 3-5 age group better. Much less mouthy...they also usually refrain from using profanity and beating each other up. Kids these days...tsk tsk.

Anyway, my point to my original sentence, that tonight is Tuesday, was meant to infer that there are only 3 more days left to my work week...which means that the week is almost half over. Which means that....duh duh duh duuuuuuuuuuuh (aka drumroll)....there are only 4.5 days until my sister arrives. Excited Linds? Yeah, I thought so....Only 3 days of work left for you too, AND you are two hours ahead of me...Lucky. Bought any more snacks yet? Notice how I am trying to entice you into leaving me a comment by asking you questions? Yeah, I'm pretty smart.

The other day I bought myself The Village. It was on sale. It is a great movie...and just a LITTLE scary. Plus the music is great...and I like the main character Ivy. I'm not exactly sure why I am drawn to her character since she is far more bolder than I. I suppose it is my personal desire for bravery (which, according to Facebook I am sorely lacking).

I had to renew Mansfield Park at the Library today. I think my brain is turning into mush...and so quickly! I must keep it active, must! School is still two months away!

Well, my paragraphs are getting shorter, so I must be getting tired.

Goodnight.

ha ha.

ha.

"There is nothing like employment, active indispensable employment, for relieving sorrow."
Jane Austen in Mansfield Park

All That I Can Say

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet


David Crowder

My toe is healing very nicely. The pretty colours are fading, and the swelling has been greatly reduced. This is good. Especially since I do not have an office job. ha ha. I realized that at the moment, I am working five different jobs. I work at a daycare, I work at a childcare resource and referral office, I work at the Family Place, I coordinate a play time for kids 8-12, and I paint/stain whenever I have time off, which has not been as often these days. I have a calendar that has lots of times and places written on it to help me remember everything. It makes me feel very important. I especially enjoy carrying it around with me, and then when people ask if I am busy on a certain day, I can whip it out and pretend like I am a lawyer or something.

This weekend was rather un-relaxing, as I worked 12 hours on friday, and then most of saturday. Today was my rest day but I was so tired that it was hard to rest. If that makes any sense at all. I woke up still thought processing, because I didn't have time to get it out of the way before. That is an annoying way to be awoken. I'm sure this week will be better...and not so hectic.

I apologize if this blog appears to be my venting ground. I realize that I talk about work and painful appendages a lot. Unfortunately those two things are fairly prominent (and rather annoying) in my current life.

I will try to expound my thoughts in other areas of life:

*My dad is in Mexico building houses. I think that is pretty great.

*The weather is nice, I need to do laundry. These thoughts are connected because I have run out of clean shorts, which I need to wear because of the nice weather.

*My sister is coming for a visit.

*I am overwhelmed with a multitude of responsibilities.

*I am envying my childhood.

*Tomorrow is Monday. Already.

*I am searching for meaning. In relationships. In work. In school. In life. In God.

*I am finding joy in drinking tea and reading.

*I am thankful for grace and forgiveness.

*I like the Lion King. Lots and lots. It is just a great movie. It even has that whole Hamlet symbolic thing going on. Plus the whole African setting thing is a pretty big bonus.

*I am enjoying getting to know my coworkers.

*I need to pray more.

There, those are some thoughts that I have been mulling over this week.

A Lament to My Toe

Oh dear little toe, how I lament your bruisidness. Your function has been "sorely" missed in the past few hours. When I walk down the street I consider your swollen state, and sigh. When I chase children around, I cringe with teary eyes when their sandaled feet step on you. Oh toe, you are worthy of great affection, and I am realizing with dismay how you have been neglected in the past. I took you for granted. You are an asset to my body, and for that I humbly apologize for stubbing you repeatedly, and then allowing children of various shapes and sizes to step on you. How could I tell their smiling little faces to get off? They didn't know that you were being hurt....sigh. Oh toe, please get better soon. I need you more than you may realize.

Happy day, Canada!

In honor of my nation's birthday, I took a quiz on how well I know Canada. To my dismay, I failed miserably. I should have known better. I have never done very well on tests. Nevertheless, I am thankful to live where I do. I went to the park to celebrate. There were a lot of people. I love people. I just have difficulty enjoying being amid throngs of sweaty, paint-covered, sunscreen smothered bodies. BUT, I got to hold a baby. That was pretty exciting. Plus, I got to build a sand-hippo.

hiking

la la la. this is me being happy, cause i have full-time WORK!!!! at last! at last! la la la la la la la!!! and the weather is great, and people are great, and money is great, and books are great, and rabbits are evil. I am house-sitting an evil, evil bunny rabbit. It looks at me, and growls. Now, I am an experienced bunny person. I have owned at least 5 in my lifetime, if not more, and I have never encountered a rabbit that sits in the corner and bares its teeth and growls at you when you approach waving a carrot in its face. I don't know how to befriend this little monster. And in fact, I am going to give up trying to be nice. It is time to show him who is BOSS (that's me).

My family is away in Spokane, attending some baseball thingy where my brother is going to play for a MLB scout. Wow! I know nothing more about this thingy, but it sounds impressive, so I have decided that I should brag. Wow! Meanwhile, I am at home. Alone. Waaaaaay out here in the country where the fat, garbage-eating bears roam. Yes. We have bears. I have cleaned up icky garbage after their all night feasts, twice! Yuck.

Do you ever have this all-consuming fear that when you get in your car it is not going to start? Well, I have that. My car is on its last legs/wheels, and sometimes when I try to start it, it shudders and groans, and whrrrnss (I don't know how else to describe this noise). I am not worried about this when my family is home, as I know someone will come and rescue me. But when they are away, I am fearful that I am going to get stranded somewhere on the side of a country road where no one will find me for many days. Anyway, I am hoping that my car will limp along until the end of the summer. Actually what I really wish, is that I was close enough to work that I could walk, so I could save money, get excercise, and not hinder the environment!! I really do feel rather conscious stricken about all fuel I use. Sigh.

Here is some happiness. la la la la. It is time to eat!!! la la la! JOY! I love FOOOOOOOOOOD! la la la la.

Yesterday I was babysitting a little guy, and we walked down to the park for awhile to play. As we were about to leave, I heard a little girl crying. Assuming that her mom was close by, I didn't think about it too hard, until I realized that the poor darling had locked herself inside the bathroom. A nice English lady come over to help, and she managed to get the door open, saying "it's ok, sausage, it's ok." I think if I was locked inside an ugly, dirty public washroom, I would like to be rescued by a lady who called me "sausage." It feels me with warm comforting feelings, as most food does.

i found another job...

at last i have found another part time to complete my incomplete work week. i have been working 2 days at dear kootenay kids doing office work, and helping my dad out with construction stuff when he needs me, and now I can work the rest of the week doing daycare! hooray! i distinctly remember telling myself at the beginning of summer that i would never do day care again if i could help it...but that was before i lost my dream job. now i am just grateful to have full time work! i have been painting all day, and now i can't move, and it is becoming increasingly more difficult to type....

I have an acidic body!!!!!!!

There is an article here that talks about how having too much acid can affect your body, and I think it is ME!!! I have been suffering with certain symptoms, such as muscle weakness (ha ha), poor circulation, hives, and nervousness, and apparently they are all due to having an unequal PH level...I feel so great now that I have something to blame. To clarify I am not referring to the drug acid. In case there was some confusion...

Today's accomplishments:
I discovered that I am un-brave.
I drank tea. A lot of tea.
I drank goji juice (hmmm, very nutritious :)
I discovered that when you drink a lot of liquids it makes you so full and sloshy that it is hard to eat a meal afterwards.
I picked my sick brother up from school.
I laundered.
I vacuumed.
I was nearly attacked by a savage dog with a leash still attached to its neck.
I made lasagna for supper.
I went for a walk and saw the sunset.
I became frustrated.
I contemplated my current job situation, and became discouraged.
I thought about ditching school in the fall and moving to Africa.

Tomorrow's expected accomplishments:
Express unfelt emotions in a courageous manner.
Drink tea.
Go to work.
Purchase a weapon of great destructive abilities to protect myself from aforesaid savage beasts.
Move to Africa.