I think that I entered into this school year with a slightly idealistic perspective about community. I thought it would be relatively easy to enter a new environment and meet people and live happily ever after. Perhaps this is due to living so many years in the wonderful bubble that is the Providence College Residence. Making friends there is not hard. But somehow, when you enter the "real" world, it seems as though the friend making process significantly slows down. Friendships that took days to form, now seem to take weeks, months.
So I am left with the feeling that I need to work harder, be more outgoing, and talk to people more than I am. Ok, I can try. Because relationships are worth it. And community is so much of life.
As a pretty dedicated introvert I cringe at the thought of stepping outside of my comfort zone and pushing myself to initiate conversation. Is there an easier way? Maybe...but I think life is too short and too painful and too beautiful to wait for someone else to make the first move. I offer myself advice in this regard: start small...but start.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Community
Community is a dance. A harmonious, warm, beautiful movement.
It is our burden. Our duty. Our longing. Our purpose.
It is action. It is growth. It is development.
"This is the duty of our generation as we enter the twenty-first century -- solidarity with the weak, the persecuted, the lonely, the sick, and those in despair. It is expressed by the desire to give a noble and humanizing meaning to a community in which all members will define themselves not by their own identity but by that of others."
Elie Wiesel
It is our burden. Our duty. Our longing. Our purpose.
It is action. It is growth. It is development.
"This is the duty of our generation as we enter the twenty-first century -- solidarity with the weak, the persecuted, the lonely, the sick, and those in despair. It is expressed by the desire to give a noble and humanizing meaning to a community in which all members will define themselves not by their own identity but by that of others."
Elie Wiesel
Monday, November 17, 2008
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Reader's Disgression is Advised....
Today is the anniversary of my almost severed fingers...It happened one grey, dismal Thursday afternoon 9 years ago...
The Woodworking Classroom:
...I was making my mother a cutting board in woodworking class. Grade eight. Mr. Jenson. I had this beautiful piece of maple wood, and I was using the planer so that it would be smooth and beautiful, and the wood got stuck. Now most people who are smart would have turned off this highly powerful machine in order to remove the stuck object...but I did not. I tried to pull the wood back towards me, but the blade was so strong that it pulled my fingers closer, and closer, and ZOINK. That is the sound that was made when my fingers hit the blade. I stood in shock holding my hand awkwardly, the bones protruding, the blood oozing (this is my favorite part!) and then I tried to walk towards someone, help, anybody...but my legs wouldn't move, so I stood there for awhile until help arrived, and then I was sat down by the sink, so that I would not bleed on the floor, while the school contacted someone who had first-aid training to come to the basement level, and bind me, before I left for the hospital...
The Hospital:
Three words describe this time period: tears, pain, embarrassment.
The tears did not arrive until my mother did. The pain was present for the duration, particularly while they unwrapped the initial dressing, put needles in between my fingers, and took x-rays...The embarrassment occurred when one of the nurses told me that her son was in one of my classes, and I was imagining the future discussions that would take place around school ("did you hear about the girl who almost cut off her fingers, and cried? yeah my mom was her nurse.")
The Night:
Very awkward sleep.
The Next Morning/afternoon:
Crying in the hospital waiting for the plastic surgeon to look at my hand for 5 hours...And finally having surgery, and getting my fingers reconstructed!! A happy time because they gave me morphine.
The Recovery:
Doctor's appointments.
Fellow peers laughing at the posture that my middle finger had in its bandage. Sometimes I would point it in their direction if they got really irritating.
Fear that my fingers would get infected, and amputated.
Uncomfortable bathing experiences.
My stuffed frog
and LOVE....
The Moral(s):
When there are signs on power tools that say "CAUTION" or "DANGER" pay attention to them.
AND
There are people who care about your well-being...even people who you have never spoken to before express concern...It is frustrating that it often takes a crisis to know that you are loved...so I hope this is a reminder for you that you ARE!
The End.
The Woodworking Classroom:
...I was making my mother a cutting board in woodworking class. Grade eight. Mr. Jenson. I had this beautiful piece of maple wood, and I was using the planer so that it would be smooth and beautiful, and the wood got stuck. Now most people who are smart would have turned off this highly powerful machine in order to remove the stuck object...but I did not. I tried to pull the wood back towards me, but the blade was so strong that it pulled my fingers closer, and closer, and ZOINK. That is the sound that was made when my fingers hit the blade. I stood in shock holding my hand awkwardly, the bones protruding, the blood oozing (this is my favorite part!) and then I tried to walk towards someone, help, anybody...but my legs wouldn't move, so I stood there for awhile until help arrived, and then I was sat down by the sink, so that I would not bleed on the floor, while the school contacted someone who had first-aid training to come to the basement level, and bind me, before I left for the hospital...
The Hospital:
Three words describe this time period: tears, pain, embarrassment.
The tears did not arrive until my mother did. The pain was present for the duration, particularly while they unwrapped the initial dressing, put needles in between my fingers, and took x-rays...The embarrassment occurred when one of the nurses told me that her son was in one of my classes, and I was imagining the future discussions that would take place around school ("did you hear about the girl who almost cut off her fingers, and cried? yeah my mom was her nurse.")
The Night:
Very awkward sleep.
The Next Morning/afternoon:
Crying in the hospital waiting for the plastic surgeon to look at my hand for 5 hours...And finally having surgery, and getting my fingers reconstructed!! A happy time because they gave me morphine.
The Recovery:
Doctor's appointments.
Fellow peers laughing at the posture that my middle finger had in its bandage. Sometimes I would point it in their direction if they got really irritating.
Fear that my fingers would get infected, and amputated.
Uncomfortable bathing experiences.
My stuffed frog
and LOVE....
The Moral(s):
When there are signs on power tools that say "CAUTION" or "DANGER" pay attention to them.
AND
There are people who care about your well-being...even people who you have never spoken to before express concern...It is frustrating that it often takes a crisis to know that you are loved...so I hope this is a reminder for you that you ARE!
The End.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Recent Insights that Have Proven Invaluable in the Past Few Days:
-I cannot drink coffee any later than noon...and before that only in very small quantities...otherwise, this strange phenomenon occurs where I cannot breathe and I feel like I have to run around in circles. Plus, it makes me talk in class...yeah, its pretty bad.
-I occasionally can use humour in a negative way to reflect my cynicism. This is sometimes funny...and sometimes very awful. I would rather be a dull-witted earwig than say hurtful things to the ones I love.
-I am a people pleaser. I already knew that, but it still proves to be an invaluable insight in recent days, so there it is.
-I am skill-less...Yes it is true. I have this yearning to be cool and stuff...and have skills like canning...my sister is a great preserver. Or a great baseball player...my brother is a great 2nd base man...Or the friendly neighbourhood Wilderness Guide, I love the forest...Or an amazing singer who carries her guitar 50 blocks to the local coffee shop in order to entertain customers in exchange for free coffee and good conversation. But, here I am, in the prime of life with no real grasp on myself, except for a list of things that I would LIKE to be good at. All this to say, I have great hope for myself...one day I will laugh in the face of my skill-less days.
-Listening to Waking Ashland reminds me of my first year at Prov...and flopping around on the floor in helpless giggles. Oddest combination with this particular music choice, I know.
-I must always, always carry my house keys with me (see final insight for further insight, ha ha)
-Be a person of love and acceptance and warmth and relationship, and utter humbleness...
-Cut fingernails before playing bowling (is that the correct phrase? do you play bowling)
-Make my lunch and supper the night before Monday in order to avoid frantic grabbing of very random food items.
-Go to bed earlier to increase my brain activity...it is a true fact. I read all about it in a health magazine today while sitting in the hospital waiting room for dearest roommate who cut her self trying to break into our house.
-I occasionally can use humour in a negative way to reflect my cynicism. This is sometimes funny...and sometimes very awful. I would rather be a dull-witted earwig than say hurtful things to the ones I love.
-I am a people pleaser. I already knew that, but it still proves to be an invaluable insight in recent days, so there it is.
-I am skill-less...Yes it is true. I have this yearning to be cool and stuff...and have skills like canning...my sister is a great preserver. Or a great baseball player...my brother is a great 2nd base man...Or the friendly neighbourhood Wilderness Guide, I love the forest...Or an amazing singer who carries her guitar 50 blocks to the local coffee shop in order to entertain customers in exchange for free coffee and good conversation. But, here I am, in the prime of life with no real grasp on myself, except for a list of things that I would LIKE to be good at. All this to say, I have great hope for myself...one day I will laugh in the face of my skill-less days.
-Listening to Waking Ashland reminds me of my first year at Prov...and flopping around on the floor in helpless giggles. Oddest combination with this particular music choice, I know.
-I must always, always carry my house keys with me (see final insight for further insight, ha ha)
-Be a person of love and acceptance and warmth and relationship, and utter humbleness...
-Cut fingernails before playing bowling (is that the correct phrase? do you play bowling)
-Make my lunch and supper the night before Monday in order to avoid frantic grabbing of very random food items.
-Go to bed earlier to increase my brain activity...it is a true fact. I read all about it in a health magazine today while sitting in the hospital waiting room for dearest roommate who cut her self trying to break into our house.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Sun is Near...
Cold nose.
Chilly fingers.
Cramped position.
Caffeine lingers.
Typing papers.
Trailing lots.
Thoughts are fleeting.
Thinking stops.
Stuck facade.
Stranded here.
Still breathing.
Sun is near.
Found image here.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
whoops, i did it again
Growth. That age-old concept that as we develop and mature, we will make fewer mistakes, and become a person of wisdom and intellect. This is wrong. At least for me. I am discovering that I mess up pretty regularly, and it is often attributed to my lack of knowledge, my lack of humbleness, my lack of intuition, my lack of sense, my lack of...ok, I'm done.
I was reading in my counselling textbook that it is important for counsellors to have grace and courtesy towards their clients to acknowledge when they have made a mistake. This is great...but it is the last thing I would like to do. As a person who avoids conflict, I mostly just want to go home and hide under the blankets, and pretend that I didn't make someone cry by inadvertently slandering their nephew's mother-in-law who has a rare tropical disease that I was unaware of (I have nightmares of this sort of thing).
Strength of character. Patience to listen. Pursuit of truth. Demonstration of justice. Actions of love. Words of mercy. Search for knowledge. Desire for understanding. All things I am living for, and working for. And then reality hits, and I realize how small I am...and how far I have to go.
So, maybe you are wondering what mistake I made that was so awful to prompt this post on growth (or lack thereof). Well, I can't say. As a person of avoidance, I have difficulty admitting when I make a mistake. Sorry. I just don't want to lose my friends.
Speaking of, here is another roommate picture!!!
I was reading in my counselling textbook that it is important for counsellors to have grace and courtesy towards their clients to acknowledge when they have made a mistake. This is great...but it is the last thing I would like to do. As a person who avoids conflict, I mostly just want to go home and hide under the blankets, and pretend that I didn't make someone cry by inadvertently slandering their nephew's mother-in-law who has a rare tropical disease that I was unaware of (I have nightmares of this sort of thing).
Strength of character. Patience to listen. Pursuit of truth. Demonstration of justice. Actions of love. Words of mercy. Search for knowledge. Desire for understanding. All things I am living for, and working for. And then reality hits, and I realize how small I am...and how far I have to go.
So, maybe you are wondering what mistake I made that was so awful to prompt this post on growth (or lack thereof). Well, I can't say. As a person of avoidance, I have difficulty admitting when I make a mistake. Sorry. I just don't want to lose my friends.
Speaking of, here is another roommate picture!!!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
An Update:
1) I enjoy working in the library. It is a pleasant mix of monotonous work, and, uh, well, shelving? I am developing good forearm muscles dragging the obstinate book cart around, and as for shelf shifting, well lets just say that I am morphing into super bionic woman who has muscles. No laughing please (ahem, Kim?)
2) I am significantly enjoying my classes. Of particular interest to me, is Clinical Practice, and Counselling Children and Adolescents. I am considering Bibliotherapy as an occupation...with additional uses of play therapy, art therapy and cinematherapy. Did you know that there was such a thing as using books to help children and adolescents work through issues?? How wonderful.
3) It is fall, and the leaves have descended. The beautiful trees that sheltered my head from the rain as I walk to school are quite bare. The air is getting colder, as is our house. Official apologies to all visitors. BYOS - Bring your own slippers...and mitts and scarfs and down blankets, etc. We will supply the hot beverage.
4) Check out The Weepies..
The End.
1) I enjoy working in the library. It is a pleasant mix of monotonous work, and, uh, well, shelving? I am developing good forearm muscles dragging the obstinate book cart around, and as for shelf shifting, well lets just say that I am morphing into super bionic woman who has muscles. No laughing please (ahem, Kim?)
2) I am significantly enjoying my classes. Of particular interest to me, is Clinical Practice, and Counselling Children and Adolescents. I am considering Bibliotherapy as an occupation...with additional uses of play therapy, art therapy and cinematherapy. Did you know that there was such a thing as using books to help children and adolescents work through issues?? How wonderful.
3) It is fall, and the leaves have descended. The beautiful trees that sheltered my head from the rain as I walk to school are quite bare. The air is getting colder, as is our house. Official apologies to all visitors. BYOS - Bring your own slippers...and mitts and scarfs and down blankets, etc. We will supply the hot beverage.
4) Check out The Weepies..
The End.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Encouraging song of the week...
by Mute Math
Racing on a faultline
Bracing for a landslide
Concious of every move getting harder
Has the race gone underwater?
I keep stalling out
I just can't keep up
There's alarming doubt
Am I good enough?
But you keep coming around
To convince me
It's still far from over, oh
We are still far
We are still far
We are still far from over
Racing on a faultline
Bracing for a landslide
Concious of every move getting harder
Has the race gone underwater?
I keep stalling out
I just can't keep up
There's alarming doubt
Am I good enough?
But you keep coming around
To convince me
It's still far from over, oh
We are still far
We are still far
We are still far from over
Monday, October 13, 2008
I am feeling nostalgic tonight. Perhaps it is due in part to being homesick for family this Thanksgiving holiday. My sister is off becoming the next Max Weber, and my parents are home in BC enjoying the multiple pumpkin pies that were made from our home-grown pumpkins. And I, the solitary member, am far away from both.
But I will keep my upper lip stiff, and carry on...
But I will keep my upper lip stiff, and carry on...
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Thursday, October 02, 2008
I dyed my hair. I have never dyed my hair before. I chose a dark brown colour called "mocha" cause it sounded tasty. Larisa did the honours for me...and now my hair looks different, and yet the same. I didn't look like the girl on the box, which was kind of a let down. Oh false advertising. tsk tsk. Consumeristic culture that I so naively "buy" into. ha ha.
This was a big deal for me, as I would not consider myself as a person entirely comfortable with change, especially when it is dye.
But I am proud that I can go out of my comfort zone and enter the dark place of hair dye and cosmetics. Gahh!
I will post pictures...
In the meantime, enjoy this carefully selected portion of my beloved Anne of Green Gables...
This was a big deal for me, as I would not consider myself as a person entirely comfortable with change, especially when it is dye.
But I am proud that I can go out of my comfort zone and enter the dark place of hair dye and cosmetics. Gahh!
I will post pictures...
In the meantime, enjoy this carefully selected portion of my beloved Anne of Green Gables...
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
There is sunshine glowing through my window and reflecting off of the highly polished wooden floor. I am grateful for my lil' room and the solitude and rest it provides. I am attempting to complete my second paper of the school year, and my brain is experiencing this weird numbness where I cannot concentrate on my words. Hence, my sentences end up sounding garbled and awkward....and I am ashamed of the finished product. I am especially concerned for the myriad of video tapes and class presentations that I have to do in the next couple weeks. If I am having this much trouble writing a paper that I can edit and rewrite in the privacy of my home, HOW am I going to perform essentially on the spot in front of PEOPLE??? gahh.
In other news...
...I am the new assistant librarian person. Being surrounded by books and stuff...sounds pretty great. Maybe there is an elite librarian person club that I can join, and we can laugh at all the students who forget to bring their library cards when signing out books. ha ha ha. Too bad for you! But don't worry, I will hold your books here at the counter while you run home through 50km northern winds and piercing snow specks. Just joking. If it is within my power at all, I would let everyone sign out books, library card or not. Unless they are an axe murderer. Grace only extends so far.
This morning I trotted over to the Tall Grass Bakery down the street and picked up some bread. I got sourdough and spelt bread. It is sure to remind me of home...and Kaslo bread. hmmm.
LUNCHTIME!
In other news...
...I am the new assistant librarian person. Being surrounded by books and stuff...sounds pretty great. Maybe there is an elite librarian person club that I can join, and we can laugh at all the students who forget to bring their library cards when signing out books. ha ha ha. Too bad for you! But don't worry, I will hold your books here at the counter while you run home through 50km northern winds and piercing snow specks. Just joking. If it is within my power at all, I would let everyone sign out books, library card or not. Unless they are an axe murderer. Grace only extends so far.
This morning I trotted over to the Tall Grass Bakery down the street and picked up some bread. I got sourdough and spelt bread. It is sure to remind me of home...and Kaslo bread. hmmm.
LUNCHTIME!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
My life
Papers.
Sunshine.
Leaves.
Tea.
Chocolate.
Student Loans.
Walking.
Saying Goodbye.
Saying Hello.
Food.
Job Interviews.
Work.
Books.
People.
Laughter.
and....Buffy the Vampire Slayer!
Sunshine.
Leaves.
Tea.
Chocolate.
Student Loans.
Walking.
Saying Goodbye.
Saying Hello.
Food.
Job Interviews.
Work.
Books.
People.
Laughter.
and....Buffy the Vampire Slayer!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
A wind has blown the rain away and blown the sky away and all the leaves away, and the trees stand. I think, I too, have known autumn too long. - E. E. Cummings
I know it is not legally fall yet...but the weather has gotten colder and windier, and grayer. It is time for scarves and toques. Our house is rather chilly, and so I have resorted to wearing woolly socks, and multiple sweaters.
With fall weather comes school. I think I have this strange addiction to school. As though I am afraid of entering the work force for good. I suppose I must soak in these last two years, as they may be my last. Although I hope they aren't. I must be ill. I'm sure once the homework hits I will feel better.
My mind is quite overwhelmed, because there are so many little things that i have to do, and i don't have time or the resources to do them...so I am in this weird space of anxiousness/helplessness.
Last night I ate a cinnamon bun from the Tall Grass Bakery, and it was pretty great. And I drank about 5 pots of tea. And I officially turned the heat on...for about 15 minutes...just to take the edge off. I think it really helped because I didn't wake up shivering this morning.
I am enjoying living in the city i think...it is nice to be able to walk places, and stuff. But it is a busy life...and I am all for living simply. I think living in dorm at Prov was nice because I didn't spend very much money. I have already spent about $15 on buying tea and goodies from the nice coffee shop down the road.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I am done work! And I am on holiday! I am admiring the beautiful Pacific Ocean at this very moment....One day I am going to live by the ocean...if it is to be part of my life's journey of course. Maybe I will live in Victoria or Kenya, or Seattle or....I am not too picky.
After perusing many delightfully expensive shops this morning with Starbucks in hand, I pondered the "richness" of life. I much prefer the simple pleasures that arise from relationships and beauty as opposed to the possessing and retaining of objects that will rust and decay. However, I also realized that I like buying things. I saw some cute story pictures by an artist Brian Andreas, that I dearly loved. I restrained myself of course, as I am living on the tightest of budgets in order to live independently.
After perusing many delightfully expensive shops this morning with Starbucks in hand, I pondered the "richness" of life. I much prefer the simple pleasures that arise from relationships and beauty as opposed to the possessing and retaining of objects that will rust and decay. However, I also realized that I like buying things. I saw some cute story pictures by an artist Brian Andreas, that I dearly loved. I restrained myself of course, as I am living on the tightest of budgets in order to live independently.
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