I am in the middle of a dark, tumultuous mist of paper-writing...and yet I cannot help but express my joy at the sunshine coming through my window, and the bag of chocolate chips at my side, and the good music playing through my headphones, and the comforting awareness of roommates in the house. The only thing that would make this moment a little brighter is a hot cup of tea, or warmed up coffee (don't worry it is decaf...or maybe that will make you worry because of the chemicals used to get rid of the caffeine that I would be consuming. At least I won't be running around Wolesly due to excess energy, cause that would be silly. You have to have a dog to run around Wolsely. Everyone has a dog here. Except for the poor college students). Wow. That was a long parentheses.

Ok, my momentary interlude is over.

Peace to you.

I love reading my sister's blog. I feel as though I have been transported into this lovely gap of cyper relating that is initially fulfilling, until I realize how very much I miss my wonderful family.

Reading Break...

...is not actually a break.

I am slightly overwhelmed with the amount of assignments that have to be completed this week.

As I am writing this post, I am sitting in the kitchen drinking rooibos and eating a supper made of vegetables with the anticipation of scarfing down a chocolate chip cookie when I am done. I live a paradoxical life.

I am desperate for nature. I like this city and being able to walk to the grocery store and little coffee shops, but I am lonesome for beautiful trees and water and birds and summer warmth. It is hard to escape worries when there is no where to go that doesn't remind me of them. I don't know where to rest in the grace of the world.

The peace of wild things by Wendell Berry
When despair grows in me
and I wake in the middle of the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting for their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

Gravity Rides Everything

I have been experiencing varying levels of discouragement this week through different arising circumstances...my emotions have consisted of anger, shame, utter humiliation, fear, and are currently hovering around something resembling a forced apathy. I wish I could be more open, and share my stories with the blogdom realm, but I realize that my words represent more than just myself.

The rather blatant and harsh lyrics of Modest Mouse seem to describe to me the wholistic human condition. We may experience hardships. But at least we ALL experience hardships. Gravity catches up with all of us in the end. None are exempt.

"In the motions and the things that you say
It all will fall, fall right into place
As fruit drops, flesh it sags
Everything will fall right into place
When we die, some sink and some lay
But at least I don't see you float away
And all the spilt milk, sex and weight
It all will fall, fall right into place"

I realize that this song is not exactly hopeful, but I guess I find comfort in the fact that common experiences build relationships which build community, which builds hope...and so I end this post upon that optimistic note.

"Everything will fall right into place."

longing

Speak to Me Gently
by Future of Forestry

Sadness and rhyme
These are the times
These are the memories
We find a way
Pushing through the day

So speak to me gently
Can you just feel the time
Falling from some place new?
Can you just feel the sign?
Love waits for you
Love waits for you

I'm searching the stars
In desperate hours
Bound to find meaning
God shows a face
In this desolate place
And tenderness meets me

Stories untold
Of redwoods grown old
Reside in the forest
And there you can hear
A whispering tear
That speaks into our loneliness

Can it be?

I am home alone today. Everyone is at work.
This is pretty much the rarest thing ever when you live with 6 other people. I am planning to wash my floor, and do some laundry, and cook something, and maybe I will do some homework. Maybe. The weather is very beautiful and cloudy, and gray and WARM! I may go for a walk also.

Yesterday while working in the library, this lady come in with a visor hat that read: "God, one day I will be rich." This individual was searching for a celibate priest who lived in a church...because she had one in Ireland. I informed her that the Salvation Army officers were generally not celibate and usually didn't live in churches, but she said she just needed help looking for one on the computer. And so, 45 minutes later, after a long, detailed conversation regarding her mission in life (to advocate for her recently deceased friend) we stumbled on google upon a church nearby that was open for drop-in on Friday afternoons. I cheerfully printed out the address, and stamped and dated the sheet (so I could be remembered for my kindness for the rest of her life) and the lady went on her way, to seek justice and wealth, and turn to her last hope, God.

And then I went back to shelving.

Guess...

I thought I would try to do something different and describe myself in pictures as opposed to words. Can you guess what I am doing???

And it is not sleeping.

Cyber-relating...to post or not to post.

At the moment I am feeling somewhat aloof. As though my experiences and thoughts are unique enough that I am the only one in the world who could somewhat relate with myself. I think that is why I am drawn to music and books and art and people. Sometimes there is a phrase, or a note, or a colour smear that moves my heart and reminds me of the existence of beauty and joy. Which then serves to prove that I am not alone. But rather I am a link, a movement, a part of this life thing. In simple terms, I think that it is easy to feel unique (which we are) but it is also important to remember that we are more alike than we realize, once we start talking and sharing our thoughts...

Here is the part where I share and force you to read about myself. This is called cyber relating.

10 things you probably never knew about Jennie:

1. I wanted to be a photojournalist for National Geographic for most of my life.

2. I never planned on moving to Manitoba. Ever. It just happened.

3. I played field hockey for one year. It did not end well. Something about my "high stick" tendency.

4. When I was in grade 9 I threw bouncy balls at cars from the top of a parkade. And I never got caught.

5. "Reading Rainbow" was my favourite show as a child.

6. In high school I learned that I could hide in the library and people thought I was smart...just because I read books. ha!

7. My hero is Ferris Bueller. He is just so cool.

8. Avocados are my favourite vegetable.

9. I experience middle child symptoms.

10. My nickname in elementary was "Bucky" because of my large, protruding front teeth. Thanks for the braces mom and dad.

Convoluted LIFE

There is something about life that is very odd. Chocolate does not fix existential problems. Sunshine does not drive away sadness. Social work classes do not automatically presume that one is aware of their purpose and meaning in life. And issues occur for which there are not 3 step solutions.

BUT.

Friends and food and tea are delightful encouragements for any malady.

I am uplifted.

This morning we made waffles.

I should be studying, but...

...they are just that good.

Wind

Blown by God toward Newness
by Walter Brueggemann

The news is that God's wind is blowing
It may be a breeze that
cools and comforts.
It may be a gust that
summons you to notice.
It may be a storm that blows you where you have
never been before.

Whatever the wind is in your life,
pay attention to it...
and the blessing of God,
Father, Son, and Spirit,
will abide with you always.


I am hoping that the wind in my life will blow away the sixty dollars of fines that I have accumulated at the library...

I have some time off before school starts on Monday and so I am enjoying listening to some nice music...

Check out Rue Royale
I think they are pretty awesome.


And Angus and Julia Stone
I think they are also pretty awesome.

Home Again

Christmas is over, and the new year is upon us! For some reason inexplicable joy is abounding in my stomach despite the necessary goodbyes which were uttered 15 minutes ago. I think I am excited to get back into the routine of school and work, despite my reservations about the rather unfortunate classes that are required this semester (blech, group counselling...no more video assignments, PLEASE!) I am also excited about being able to share the utility bills with 7 people rather than 4. YES, that is right...3 more roommates are arriving this weekend to live in our big green house. It is going to be a FULL house. But I still have the personal oasis of my bedroom. I love people. I think it will be good to have more people around.

For Christmas I received several gifts of particular enjoyment. I got an authentic Greek Fisherman's hat, which I wear with the pride of any good Greek boy (apparently they are all the rage for the male youth of Nelson. I plan to start a trend). I also got several sheets of beeswax with which I can make numerous candles. And I got a scarfette (See Etsy for definition) knitted by my sister. And a GREAT book about AIDS orphans in Africa.

I also was given a hand-me-down camera which has limited button functioning, but can still take a picture...so I can put some more pictures on my blog.

And so, despite my personal chagrin about NOT having a delayed flight (I wanted to stay home longer) I am happy to be back in Winnipeg, in dearest ugly house.

My new year's Resolutions:

1. Wear my glasses more
2. Pay the bills on time
3. Do more readings
4. Love

Home

I was hoping that if I changed the aesthetic appearance of this blog, it may bring forth more profound thoughts. Poor misguided Jennie.

Anyway.

I am enjoying home life: the pungent smell of the enormous 11 ft. Christmas tree in our living room, the crackling of the fire, the blue sky that has broken free of the thick layer of clouds, the availability of delicious treats that are remaining from my parents 25th anniversary bash, listening to Sheree Plett's Christmas songs...

Check out Future of Forestry

And the Ghost of Christmas FUTURE wins!

Things I am looking forward too:
-Going home in 1.5 days
-lots and lots of SNOW
-parents
-siblings (and sibling-in-law, I suppose)
-organic chicken
-fireplace
-bookshelves
-warmth
-living under the illusion of no responsibility
-Reading...for delight
-my dad's coffee...or at least a couple of sips
-Working on the family Christmas craft
-real whipped cream
-egg nog

Things I have yet to do:
-finish christmas/birthday shopping
-pack
-mail my student loans
-laundry!
-get rid of the perishables...bye bye spinach.

Things I have done:
-finished off some classes
-survived several days of intense cold
-been remarkably unproductive
-ummm...

It is early, and I am attempting to study and failing miserably. I think I hate exams.

Today I am overwhelmed with the beauty that is people. The unique parts of us that are different and important and so often hidden. We don't always see people's inner world, and it is easy to make assumptions...but when you get a glimpse, a fragment, a taste of who they are...yeah. Right on.

"The finest qualities of our nature, like the bloom on fruits, can be preserved only by the most delicate handling. Yet we do not treat ourselves nor one another thus tenderly."
Henry David Thoreau

Time for....

...CHRISTMAS MUSIC

Angst and Secrets and LOVE

Gasp! I have emerged from the dark depths of paper writing...for a brief interlude...to expound upon the angst of my soul.

And to share with you a poem/prayer by Walter Brueggemann from his book "Prayers for a Privileged People"

Exposed to Mercy, Truth, and Newness (on reading Psalm 32)

"We begin the new week toward you,
from whom no secret can be hid.
We have had a night,
and a weekend,
and a lifetime of secrets.

We have stored the usual list of secrets,
of acres of guilt unforgiven,
of desires too rich to utter.
Beyond that, we have a secret list of hurts,
from ancient days with parents and siblings,
from assorted bullies at playschool
and in adult life;
some of us overly sensitive,
all of us grown protective
and capable of self-pity.

Beyond that, we have a secret list of hopes,
some selfish and some noble,
hopes of new freedom and new reconciliation,
of new security and new recognition,
of doing well and being well.

We have so much to keep hidden.
And you know--
you know because you made us and have watched us
from the beginning;
you know because you see us in our waking and our sleeping;
you know because you love us right through,
beyond all of our covert capacity."

My Dad's Truck

Ok, when you have survived almost plummeting over a VERY steep cliff WHO has the presence of mind to take a picture of it with their cell phone? My dad is intense.

"His faithfulness is like a shield or a protective wall." Psalm 91:4