Friday, December 10, 2010

A glimpse into my head

Scary title I know...

I was reading over my journal this morning, and came across an entry that I wrote almost exactly a year ago...Reading it renewed my thankfulness for the passage of time, change, and particularly the fact that I am no longer in school.

Prepare is honest and slightly depressing:

An Excerpt from Jennie's Journal
Listening to: The Acorn
Mood: Exhausted, pensive, troubled, sad…too many words needed to describe my emotions tonight.

I am exhausted and don’t really understand why I am awake. Just need time to sit and think and regain my sense of self. Feeling pretty out of sorts lately. Like nothing is going right. Had some hard stuff happen this week. Maybe I will feel more motivated to share about them on a different day.

A busy week. I wrote two papers, prepared for a presentation, went to class, went to work, went to practicum, missed my bus, spilled chai tea all over myself and the floor...

Tonight I watched Anne of Green Gables with Bethany and laughed at how things just seemed to happen to her (just like me) and she could see a lot of the negativity, when in the end things worked out really well.

I hope things start turning out well for me.

I hope I can find 2200 dollars by Monday.

I am scared to hope.

Thank you for music and friends and family.

Sigh. I can’t help but cling to the fact that things are going to get better. They are right? Please? Gasp. I am so tired. I hate writing papers. I hate going to practicum and feeling as though I am completely inadequate.

Reading some Henri Nouwen.

In case you cared.

Learning about the power of fear, and realizing that the thing I fear most is rejection. Ouch. It hurts, it stings, it stays with me for a very long time. Just when I think I have gotten better, stronger, I find out that I am still a teenager in my obsessive self-disregard. I care too much about what people think. And it hurts.

It hurts.


matt said...

Thanks for sharing:) I'm glad you're in a better place.

Jennie said...

Thanks Matt, I'm glad too. :)

Black Rabbit said...

A scary title indeed. *insert raised eyebrow here, but only one eyebrow mind you*

I am very glad that you are past that, and hope you stay where you are now, or to an even greater place of being.

Best of luck.