Sun is Near...

Cold nose.
Chilly fingers.
Cramped position.
Caffeine lingers.

Typing papers.
Trailing lots.
Thoughts are fleeting.
Thinking stops.

Stuck facade.
Stranded here.
Still breathing.
Sun is near.


Found image here.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIM!

This song is for YOU!

(the first one, not the second one. hee hee)

whoops, i did it again

Growth. That age-old concept that as we develop and mature, we will make fewer mistakes, and become a person of wisdom and intellect. This is wrong. At least for me. I am discovering that I mess up pretty regularly, and it is often attributed to my lack of knowledge, my lack of humbleness, my lack of intuition, my lack of sense, my lack of...ok, I'm done.

I was reading in my counselling textbook that it is important for counsellors to have grace and courtesy towards their clients to acknowledge when they have made a mistake. This is great...but it is the last thing I would like to do. As a person who avoids conflict, I mostly just want to go home and hide under the blankets, and pretend that I didn't make someone cry by inadvertently slandering their nephew's mother-in-law who has a rare tropical disease that I was unaware of (I have nightmares of this sort of thing).

Strength of character. Patience to listen. Pursuit of truth. Demonstration of justice. Actions of love. Words of mercy. Search for knowledge. Desire for understanding. All things I am living for, and working for. And then reality hits, and I realize how small I am...and how far I have to go.

So, maybe you are wondering what mistake I made that was so awful to prompt this post on growth (or lack thereof). Well, I can't say. As a person of avoidance, I have difficulty admitting when I make a mistake. Sorry. I just don't want to lose my friends.

Speaking of, here is another roommate picture!!!

An Update:

1) I enjoy working in the library. It is a pleasant mix of monotonous work, and, uh, well, shelving? I am developing good forearm muscles dragging the obstinate book cart around, and as for shelf shifting, well lets just say that I am morphing into super bionic woman who has muscles. No laughing please (ahem, Kim?)

2) I am significantly enjoying my classes. Of particular interest to me, is Clinical Practice, and Counselling Children and Adolescents. I am considering Bibliotherapy as an occupation...with additional uses of play therapy, art therapy and cinematherapy. Did you know that there was such a thing as using books to help children and adolescents work through issues?? How wonderful.

3) It is fall, and the leaves have descended. The beautiful trees that sheltered my head from the rain as I walk to school are quite bare. The air is getting colder, as is our house. Official apologies to all visitors. BYOS - Bring your own slippers...and mitts and scarfs and down blankets, etc. We will supply the hot beverage.

4) Check out The Weepies..

The End.

Encouraging song of the week...

by Mute Math

Racing on a faultline
Bracing for a landslide
Concious of every move getting harder
Has the race gone underwater?

I keep stalling out
I just can't keep up
There's alarming doubt
Am I good enough?
But you keep coming around
To convince me
It's still far from over, oh

We are still far
We are still far
We are still far from over

I am feeling nostalgic tonight. Perhaps it is due in part to being homesick for family this Thanksgiving holiday. My sister is off becoming the next Max Weber, and my parents are home in BC enjoying the multiple pumpkin pies that were made from our home-grown pumpkins. And I, the solitary member, am far away from both.

But I will keep my upper lip stiff, and carry on...

The melancholy days are come, the saddest of the year, Of wailing winds, and naked woods and meadows brown and sear.
William C. Bryant

I dyed my hair. I have never dyed my hair before. I chose a dark brown colour called "mocha" cause it sounded tasty. Larisa did the honours for me...and now my hair looks different, and yet the same. I didn't look like the girl on the box, which was kind of a let down. Oh false advertising. tsk tsk. Consumeristic culture that I so naively "buy" into. ha ha.

This was a big deal for me, as I would not consider myself as a person entirely comfortable with change, especially when it is dye.

But I am proud that I can go out of my comfort zone and enter the dark place of hair dye and cosmetics. Gahh!

I will post pictures...

In the meantime, enjoy this carefully selected portion of my beloved Anne of Green Gables...

some long overdue pictures of house and roommates!

There is sunshine glowing through my window and reflecting off of the highly polished wooden floor. I am grateful for my lil' room and the solitude and rest it provides. I am attempting to complete my second paper of the school year, and my brain is experiencing this weird numbness where I cannot concentrate on my words. Hence, my sentences end up sounding garbled and awkward....and I am ashamed of the finished product. I am especially concerned for the myriad of video tapes and class presentations that I have to do in the next couple weeks. If I am having this much trouble writing a paper that I can edit and rewrite in the privacy of my home, HOW am I going to perform essentially on the spot in front of PEOPLE??? gahh.

In other news...

...I am the new assistant librarian person. Being surrounded by books and stuff...sounds pretty great. Maybe there is an elite librarian person club that I can join, and we can laugh at all the students who forget to bring their library cards when signing out books. ha ha ha. Too bad for you! But don't worry, I will hold your books here at the counter while you run home through 50km northern winds and piercing snow specks. Just joking. If it is within my power at all, I would let everyone sign out books, library card or not. Unless they are an axe murderer. Grace only extends so far.

This morning I trotted over to the Tall Grass Bakery down the street and picked up some bread. I got sourdough and spelt bread. It is sure to remind me of home...and Kaslo bread. hmmm.

LUNCHTIME!

My life

Papers.
Sunshine.
Leaves.
Tea.
Chocolate.
Student Loans.
Walking.
Saying Goodbye.
Saying Hello.
Food.
Job Interviews.
Work.
Books.
People.
Laughter.
and....Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

A wind has blown the rain away and blown the sky away and all the leaves away, and the trees stand. I think, I too, have known autumn too long. - E. E. Cummings

I know it is not legally fall yet...but the weather has gotten colder and windier, and grayer. It is time for scarves and toques. Our house is rather chilly, and so I have resorted to wearing woolly socks, and multiple sweaters.

With fall weather comes school. I think I have this strange addiction to school. As though I am afraid of entering the work force for good. I suppose I must soak in these last two years, as they may be my last. Although I hope they aren't. I must be ill. I'm sure once the homework hits I will feel better.

My mind is quite overwhelmed, because there are so many little things that i have to do, and i don't have time or the resources to do them...so I am in this weird space of anxiousness/helplessness.

Last night I ate a cinnamon bun from the Tall Grass Bakery, and it was pretty great. And I drank about 5 pots of tea. And I officially turned the heat on...for about 15 minutes...just to take the edge off. I think it really helped because I didn't wake up shivering this morning.

I am enjoying living in the city i think...it is nice to be able to walk places, and stuff. But it is a busy life...and I am all for living simply. I think living in dorm at Prov was nice because I didn't spend very much money. I have already spent about $15 on buying tea and goodies from the nice coffee shop down the road.

I am done work! And I am on holiday! I am admiring the beautiful Pacific Ocean at this very moment....One day I am going to live by the ocean...if it is to be part of my life's journey of course. Maybe I will live in Victoria or Kenya, or Seattle or....I am not too picky.

After perusing many delightfully expensive shops this morning with Starbucks in hand, I pondered the "richness" of life. I much prefer the simple pleasures that arise from relationships and beauty as opposed to the possessing and retaining of objects that will rust and decay. However, I also realized that I like buying things. I saw some cute story pictures by an artist Brian Andreas, that I dearly loved. I restrained myself of course, as I am living on the tightest of budgets in order to live independently.

ahhh, yes

“It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things.”

Donald Miller

And so begins my last week at home in BC before entering yet another phase in my life. My mind is full of endless lists of things that must get done before I can leave, not the least of these is the challenge of trying to cram a years supply of stuff into a 50 pound suitcase. Plus, I am searching for the perfect back pack, that will make commuting to school much nicer with my millions of textbooks, and laptop, and food, and water, and music, and extra books to read just in case, and extra clothes just in case, and TEA etc. I haven't found one yet.

And so...it is Sunday, a day that I should be using to be productive, and start on my list. But it is nice to wake up slowly and think about things like blackberries and gardens and books and tea and pretty scarves that friends give you on your birthday instead of wondering about the could-be's, and the hope-nots, and the what-ifs.

I am currently stressed...but living in denial. Which only works for so long, and is soon to come to a crashing end. Right. Now.

Current thoughts:

1. Money - it is desperately needed, and desperately hated all at the same time. I am dearly poor. But debt free...and without a bike and a car. Don't worry, I wouldn't let them take my legs.

2. Life - sweet and lovely, with the occasional pooling of emotions that brings both pain and inner reflection. Work is constant...but people are ever changing which makes my days so much more interesting. Particularly at daycare. And particularly when a certain little boy attends daycare who moves fast. Like a train. Hurtling down the track regardless of little, innocent bunny rabbits in the way.

3. Art - a necessary form of expressing oneself, that allows one to reveal their passion and identity to the people around them. It is a doorway. A window to the soul. A way to identify. A way to realize that one is not alone in the world, but there are those who know and understand. A method of communication that, at times, is far stronger than audible words can convey.

4. School - according to the textbook list, extremely out of my zone of wowness. Plus it is scary. I dream of taking classes about pencil crayon drawing, and the effects that AIDS has on children in Africa, and a class on the history and benefits of tea, and a course on beautiful music. I think the idealistic part of my INFJ personality is coming through. Social work is a means to an end...right?

5. Relationships - desired, sought after, and worked towards. Loving one another. Being accepting towards one another. Embracing those we are frustrated by. A challenge. One I often dismiss as a lower priority. I am wondering about the forgetfulness of self without becoming self-destructive. There is a balance, but the lines are blurred and situations differ.

Happy Birthday Wendell Berry...and self.

Today is Wendell Berry's birthday, and as a tribute to his personage, I have written him a little ditty.

Oh Wendell Berry you write good stuff,
You are smart and really tough.
You live on a farm and love the land,
How I wish I could shake your hand.

Oh Wendell Berry, how wise, how grand,
Your words inspire me to rise and stand...
And whisper the truth about humanity,
Which echoes about on a daily basis.

Sorry about that last line, I couldn't think of a good word to rhyme with humanity.

Anyway, here is a poem that Wendell wrote that is an especial favourite of mine. I think his own words do him justice far more than anything I could ever write about him.

Woods

by Wendell Berry

I part the out thrusting branches
and come in beneath
the blessed and the blessing trees.
Though I am silent
there is singing around me.
Though I am dark
there is vision around me.
Though I am heavy
there is flight around me.

Today has been OK. I filed and listened to CBC. I thought about the poor boy on the greyhound bus, and decided that I am very thankful I am flying back to Winnipeg.

Here are some pictures of my sister's recent visit.

Beatboxing...of course.

And a video...

Current Rambling Thoughts

Social work? what, I can't do Social Work! I must be crazy yes, yes. Crazy hmmm. Married? My friend is married? Today? OH MY GOODNESS! My friend is a married person. Wow. So great, and yet just so weird. Really crazily. Change. Life is change. Roommates. I think people must not like me. Or something. God? why don't people want to be my roommate? Why is it so difficult to find roommates? Why is it so stressful not having enough roommates? Life. Life has stress. A thought: I am an ISLAND. Not in a depressing, anti-people sort of way...but in a way where I am realising that I cannot rely on people to fill me, to make me HAPPY. I can't. I try and wait patiently for people to come into my life and bring me satisfaction. But people are far too disappointing. I NEED GOD! I like my daycare job. I don't like my filing job. Filing is strenuous. Too much dust. Too much stuff. Too much garbage. Too many papers. Sun. I like sunny days. I like Africa. I want to go to Africa soon. I wish I had brought my African Summer tea home. I wish it wasn't packed up and sitting in Winnipeg. I wish that I knew my living situation better for the fall. I wish I could stop worrying. I like tea. Tea is soothing. Tea is nice. I spilled my tea in my car twice. It was sad. I am going hiking tomorrow. Glad. I like to hike. I like to be outside. But I enjoy my bed. I need to go to bed. I am an introvert. Most times. Yes. I am. Bed. OK