Cyber-relating...to post or not to post.

At the moment I am feeling somewhat aloof. As though my experiences and thoughts are unique enough that I am the only one in the world who could somewhat relate with myself. I think that is why I am drawn to music and books and art and people. Sometimes there is a phrase, or a note, or a colour smear that moves my heart and reminds me of the existence of beauty and joy. Which then serves to prove that I am not alone. But rather I am a link, a movement, a part of this life thing. In simple terms, I think that it is easy to feel unique (which we are) but it is also important to remember that we are more alike than we realize, once we start talking and sharing our thoughts...

Here is the part where I share and force you to read about myself. This is called cyber relating.

10 things you probably never knew about Jennie:

1. I wanted to be a photojournalist for National Geographic for most of my life.

2. I never planned on moving to Manitoba. Ever. It just happened.

3. I played field hockey for one year. It did not end well. Something about my "high stick" tendency.

4. When I was in grade 9 I threw bouncy balls at cars from the top of a parkade. And I never got caught.

5. "Reading Rainbow" was my favourite show as a child.

6. In high school I learned that I could hide in the library and people thought I was smart...just because I read books. ha!

7. My hero is Ferris Bueller. He is just so cool.

8. Avocados are my favourite vegetable.

9. I experience middle child symptoms.

10. My nickname in elementary was "Bucky" because of my large, protruding front teeth. Thanks for the braces mom and dad.

Convoluted LIFE

There is something about life that is very odd. Chocolate does not fix existential problems. Sunshine does not drive away sadness. Social work classes do not automatically presume that one is aware of their purpose and meaning in life. And issues occur for which there are not 3 step solutions.

BUT.

Friends and food and tea are delightful encouragements for any malady.

I am uplifted.

This morning we made waffles.

I should be studying, but...

...they are just that good.

Wind

Blown by God toward Newness
by Walter Brueggemann

The news is that God's wind is blowing
It may be a breeze that
cools and comforts.
It may be a gust that
summons you to notice.
It may be a storm that blows you where you have
never been before.

Whatever the wind is in your life,
pay attention to it...
and the blessing of God,
Father, Son, and Spirit,
will abide with you always.


I am hoping that the wind in my life will blow away the sixty dollars of fines that I have accumulated at the library...

I have some time off before school starts on Monday and so I am enjoying listening to some nice music...

Check out Rue Royale
I think they are pretty awesome.


And Angus and Julia Stone
I think they are also pretty awesome.

Home Again

Christmas is over, and the new year is upon us! For some reason inexplicable joy is abounding in my stomach despite the necessary goodbyes which were uttered 15 minutes ago. I think I am excited to get back into the routine of school and work, despite my reservations about the rather unfortunate classes that are required this semester (blech, group counselling...no more video assignments, PLEASE!) I am also excited about being able to share the utility bills with 7 people rather than 4. YES, that is right...3 more roommates are arriving this weekend to live in our big green house. It is going to be a FULL house. But I still have the personal oasis of my bedroom. I love people. I think it will be good to have more people around.

For Christmas I received several gifts of particular enjoyment. I got an authentic Greek Fisherman's hat, which I wear with the pride of any good Greek boy (apparently they are all the rage for the male youth of Nelson. I plan to start a trend). I also got several sheets of beeswax with which I can make numerous candles. And I got a scarfette (See Etsy for definition) knitted by my sister. And a GREAT book about AIDS orphans in Africa.

I also was given a hand-me-down camera which has limited button functioning, but can still take a picture...so I can put some more pictures on my blog.

And so, despite my personal chagrin about NOT having a delayed flight (I wanted to stay home longer) I am happy to be back in Winnipeg, in dearest ugly house.

My new year's Resolutions:

1. Wear my glasses more
2. Pay the bills on time
3. Do more readings
4. Love

Home

I was hoping that if I changed the aesthetic appearance of this blog, it may bring forth more profound thoughts. Poor misguided Jennie.

Anyway.

I am enjoying home life: the pungent smell of the enormous 11 ft. Christmas tree in our living room, the crackling of the fire, the blue sky that has broken free of the thick layer of clouds, the availability of delicious treats that are remaining from my parents 25th anniversary bash, listening to Sheree Plett's Christmas songs...

Check out Future of Forestry

And the Ghost of Christmas FUTURE wins!

Things I am looking forward too:
-Going home in 1.5 days
-lots and lots of SNOW
-parents
-siblings (and sibling-in-law, I suppose)
-organic chicken
-fireplace
-bookshelves
-warmth
-living under the illusion of no responsibility
-Reading...for delight
-my dad's coffee...or at least a couple of sips
-Working on the family Christmas craft
-real whipped cream
-egg nog

Things I have yet to do:
-finish christmas/birthday shopping
-pack
-mail my student loans
-laundry!
-get rid of the perishables...bye bye spinach.

Things I have done:
-finished off some classes
-survived several days of intense cold
-been remarkably unproductive
-ummm...

It is early, and I am attempting to study and failing miserably. I think I hate exams.

Today I am overwhelmed with the beauty that is people. The unique parts of us that are different and important and so often hidden. We don't always see people's inner world, and it is easy to make assumptions...but when you get a glimpse, a fragment, a taste of who they are...yeah. Right on.

"The finest qualities of our nature, like the bloom on fruits, can be preserved only by the most delicate handling. Yet we do not treat ourselves nor one another thus tenderly."
Henry David Thoreau

Time for....

...CHRISTMAS MUSIC

Angst and Secrets and LOVE

Gasp! I have emerged from the dark depths of paper writing...for a brief interlude...to expound upon the angst of my soul.

And to share with you a poem/prayer by Walter Brueggemann from his book "Prayers for a Privileged People"

Exposed to Mercy, Truth, and Newness (on reading Psalm 32)

"We begin the new week toward you,
from whom no secret can be hid.
We have had a night,
and a weekend,
and a lifetime of secrets.

We have stored the usual list of secrets,
of acres of guilt unforgiven,
of desires too rich to utter.
Beyond that, we have a secret list of hurts,
from ancient days with parents and siblings,
from assorted bullies at playschool
and in adult life;
some of us overly sensitive,
all of us grown protective
and capable of self-pity.

Beyond that, we have a secret list of hopes,
some selfish and some noble,
hopes of new freedom and new reconciliation,
of new security and new recognition,
of doing well and being well.

We have so much to keep hidden.
And you know--
you know because you made us and have watched us
from the beginning;
you know because you see us in our waking and our sleeping;
you know because you love us right through,
beyond all of our covert capacity."

My Dad's Truck

Ok, when you have survived almost plummeting over a VERY steep cliff WHO has the presence of mind to take a picture of it with their cell phone? My dad is intense.

"His faithfulness is like a shield or a protective wall." Psalm 91:4

Community Continued....

I think that I entered into this school year with a slightly idealistic perspective about community. I thought it would be relatively easy to enter a new environment and meet people and live happily ever after. Perhaps this is due to living so many years in the wonderful bubble that is the Providence College Residence. Making friends there is not hard. But somehow, when you enter the "real" world, it seems as though the friend making process significantly slows down. Friendships that took days to form, now seem to take weeks, months.

So I am left with the feeling that I need to work harder, be more outgoing, and talk to people more than I am. Ok, I can try. Because relationships are worth it. And community is so much of life.

As a pretty dedicated introvert I cringe at the thought of stepping outside of my comfort zone and pushing myself to initiate conversation. Is there an easier way? Maybe...but I think life is too short and too painful and too beautiful to wait for someone else to make the first move. I offer myself advice in this regard: start small...but start.

Community

Community is a dance. A harmonious, warm, beautiful movement.

It is our burden. Our duty. Our longing. Our purpose.

It is action. It is growth. It is development.

"This is the duty of our generation as we enter the twenty-first century -- solidarity with the weak, the persecuted, the lonely, the sick, and those in despair. It is expressed by the desire to give a noble and humanizing meaning to a community in which all members will define themselves not by their own identity but by that of others."
Elie Wiesel

Going Home for Christmas...

...eventually

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.
Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Reader's Disgression is Advised....

Today is the anniversary of my almost severed fingers...It happened one grey, dismal Thursday afternoon 9 years ago...

The Woodworking Classroom:
...I was making my mother a cutting board in woodworking class. Grade eight. Mr. Jenson. I had this beautiful piece of maple wood, and I was using the planer so that it would be smooth and beautiful, and the wood got stuck. Now most people who are smart would have turned off this highly powerful machine in order to remove the stuck object...but I did not. I tried to pull the wood back towards me, but the blade was so strong that it pulled my fingers closer, and closer, and ZOINK. That is the sound that was made when my fingers hit the blade. I stood in shock holding my hand awkwardly, the bones protruding, the blood oozing (this is my favorite part!) and then I tried to walk towards someone, help, anybody...but my legs wouldn't move, so I stood there for awhile until help arrived, and then I was sat down by the sink, so that I would not bleed on the floor, while the school contacted someone who had first-aid training to come to the basement level, and bind me, before I left for the hospital...

The Hospital:
Three words describe this time period: tears, pain, embarrassment.
The tears did not arrive until my mother did. The pain was present for the duration, particularly while they unwrapped the initial dressing, put needles in between my fingers, and took x-rays...The embarrassment occurred when one of the nurses told me that her son was in one of my classes, and I was imagining the future discussions that would take place around school ("did you hear about the girl who almost cut off her fingers, and cried? yeah my mom was her nurse.")

The Night:
Very awkward sleep.

The Next Morning/afternoon:
Crying in the hospital waiting for the plastic surgeon to look at my hand for 5 hours...And finally having surgery, and getting my fingers reconstructed!! A happy time because they gave me morphine.

The Recovery:
Doctor's appointments.
Fellow peers laughing at the posture that my middle finger had in its bandage. Sometimes I would point it in their direction if they got really irritating.
Fear that my fingers would get infected, and amputated.
Uncomfortable bathing experiences.
My stuffed frog
and LOVE....

The Moral(s):
When there are signs on power tools that say "CAUTION" or "DANGER" pay attention to them.
AND
There are people who care about your well-being...even people who you have never spoken to before express concern...It is frustrating that it often takes a crisis to know that you are loved...so I hope this is a reminder for you that you ARE!

The End.

Recent Insights that Have Proven Invaluable in the Past Few Days:

-I cannot drink coffee any later than noon...and before that only in very small quantities...otherwise, this strange phenomenon occurs where I cannot breathe and I feel like I have to run around in circles. Plus, it makes me talk in class...yeah, its pretty bad.

-I occasionally can use humour in a negative way to reflect my cynicism. This is sometimes funny...and sometimes very awful. I would rather be a dull-witted earwig than say hurtful things to the ones I love.

-I am a people pleaser. I already knew that, but it still proves to be an invaluable insight in recent days, so there it is.

-I am skill-less...Yes it is true. I have this yearning to be cool and stuff...and have skills like canning...my sister is a great preserver. Or a great baseball player...my brother is a great 2nd base man...Or the friendly neighbourhood Wilderness Guide, I love the forest...Or an amazing singer who carries her guitar 50 blocks to the local coffee shop in order to entertain customers in exchange for free coffee and good conversation. But, here I am, in the prime of life with no real grasp on myself, except for a list of things that I would LIKE to be good at. All this to say, I have great hope for myself...one day I will laugh in the face of my skill-less days.

-Listening to Waking Ashland reminds me of my first year at Prov...and flopping around on the floor in helpless giggles. Oddest combination with this particular music choice, I know.

-I must always, always carry my house keys with me (see final insight for further insight, ha ha)

-Be a person of love and acceptance and warmth and relationship, and utter humbleness...

-Cut fingernails before playing bowling (is that the correct phrase? do you play bowling)

-Make my lunch and supper the night before Monday in order to avoid frantic grabbing of very random food items.

-Go to bed earlier to increase my brain activity...it is a true fact. I read all about it in a health magazine today while sitting in the hospital waiting room for dearest roommate who cut her self trying to break into our house.

Sun is Near...

Cold nose.
Chilly fingers.
Cramped position.
Caffeine lingers.

Typing papers.
Trailing lots.
Thoughts are fleeting.
Thinking stops.

Stuck facade.
Stranded here.
Still breathing.
Sun is near.


Found image here.