Well, I have a slight headache. I realize that at this moment, sleep is my best option, but while my body is complaining with weariness, my mind seems to moving at this pretty intense speed. I have learned that at these moments, it is best to go with the flow, and follow the inspiration. Except I don't have any inspiring words....just random thoughts that keep bumping around my brain. Sigh.

I have been thinking that I have gifts. They are not easily definable ones. But they are there, I'm sure of it. And I want to use them, but I don't know how....yet. There is some stuff going on with my church, particularly with the youth. And I am frustrated. There is so much need, but I don't know where I belong. In this case, it is not really that the workers are few, but rather that the work is very messy and complicated and difficult to do.

I have also been thinking about how lately I have been struggling with two things, 1. PRIDE and 2. FEELING TOO HARD (aka being too sensitive). The pride thing is something that I thought I didn't really have too much of a problem with. I thought I was actually pretty humble. But lately things, I don't know what exactly, have been happening, that have been making me aware that I care deeply how my actions may appear to other people. I want to look perfect and cool and HUMBLE! Kinda ironic. And the feeling stuff is really quite annoying. I wish I didn't care what people think, and I could live my life being calm and confident all the time. But I care...so deeply about certain things that it scares me. It is really rather exhausting.

Here's my last thought...it is a good one. I can't remember, errrg. ummm. well....no...hmmmmm.
Darn it. My mind is completely blank. I suppose I should sleep then. This thought really was quite brilliant though...

A good song.

How miserable I am
I feel like the fruitpicker who arrived here
after the harvest
There's nothing here at all
Nothin at all that could placate my hunger

The godly people are all gone
There's not one honest soul left on this planet
We're all murders and theives
Setting traps here for even our brothers

And both of our hands
Are equally skilled
At doing evil
Equally skilled
At bribing the judges
Equally skilled
At perverting justice
Both of our hands
Both of our hands

The day of justice comes
And is even now swiftly coming
Don't trust anyone at all
Not your best friend or even your wife

For the son hates the father
The daughter despises even the mother
Look! Your enemies are right
Right in the room of your very household

And both of their hands are equally skilled
Equally skilled

No, don't gloat over me
For though I fall, though I fall
I will rise again

Though I sit here in darkness
The Lord, the Lord alone
He will be my light

I will be patient as the Lord
Punishes me for the wrongs
I've done against him

After that he'll take my case
Bringing me to light and to justice
For all I have suffered

And both of his hand are equally skilled
Equally skilled

Jon Foreman - Equally Skilled

another humbling experience...or two

This afternoon, after I got home, I discovered that I did not get the job at the advocacy centre. oh frumph. it was going to look so great on my resume. And I was going to help people. And be an advocate. A voice for the voiceless. This news did not come as a complete shock, as I was aware that I did not perform particularly well during my interview. They probably figured that if I was having trouble talking, let alone breathing during a simple interview, I would likely struggle with supporting someone through a crisis. However, they were kind and told me that they had a large number of "highly qualified applicants" and it was a "difficult decision to make" and they "enjoyed meeting me." And so. Onto the next one. Meanwhile, the summer is dwindling by, and I feel as though I haven't accomplished much (aka earned money).

I did finally purchase a library card. I had to save my pennies, as it cost a whole $30!! Apparently college students do not get very many advantages, particularly if they attend school out of the province. The selection at the library is minimal. Quite pitiful, really. But that's ok. I will just anticipate my upcoming ventures to the grand library in Winnipeg. I will go, and drink in the sight of all those books, and not have a clue where to begin looking. Perhaps a small library is a blessing, because I will actually be able to make a decision of what books to read slightly faster than I would if there were several floors of books to choose from.

Yes. I had another humbling moment. This one involved me attempting to do physical exercise. I went to the gym yesterday with my mom. She was showing me some of the exercises that she has been doing. There was this one where you kinda hold yourself in the plank position, while squeezing your bum muscles to keep yourself suspended for 2 minutes!!! Needless to say, it was difficult. Around the 1.5 minute mark, I found my body was beginning to shake, and I expressed to my mother my doubts that I would last for the full 2 minutes. At that point, a young, very fit boy who had been glancing over occasionally, informed me to tighten my bum muscles more. To which I responded in great angst, "I'm tightening, I'm tightening." Inside I was thinking, "Wow, I can't believe this kid just told me to tighten my bum muscles." Hence, the uprising of the most intense desire to collapse into insane laughter. Needless to say, I did not last the full 2 minutes.

My weekend consisted of stacking firewood, reading, and watching my brother play baseball. Oh, and getting sunburned on my forehead. My brother is pretty amazing. I think he pitched every game (there were 3 altogether). Sometimes, it is hard to believe that I am related to such a great athlete. I love sports. I'm just not super great at them.

I have an interview today at the Advocacy Centre. For some reason, the interview is not until 4:00 in the afternoon, so I have the opportunity to be thinking about it. All day. I am having an inner struggle with wanting to maintain confidence that I will get the job, while also squelching hope that I will, so that I won't be disappointed if I don't. It is all rather confusing. My poor stomach.

I had a humbling moment the other night (I have a lot of them for some reason). We had company over, and my mom asked me to remove some things from my brother's bathroom, so that it would be clean for the guests. So I removed them, and placed them in the laundry. Late that night, after the company had left, I heard my brother ask what had happened to his stuff, why was it in the laundry. Using my most patient and understanding voice. I explained to him that I had been asked to remove them so that the bathroom would be clean. My brother didn't seem to understand that most simple explanation, and repeated his question. I was getting a little frustrated, because really, I had did him a favor by making him appear to be clean and tidy. And so, I raised my voice a notch, thinking perhaps, he just couldn't hear what the heck I was saying. All of a sudden, he starts talking over me. Now I am extra frustrated, so I repeat myself at an even higher volume. My brother stops talking, and it goes completely silent, and he asks, "Jennie, who are you yelling at?" Apparently he had been talking to my parents the entire time. And I was merely talking to myself.

Experiencing God

I have been reading Brian McLaren's book Finding Faith and he talks a little about the different ways of experiencing God, and so I have been wondering when it is that I feel closest to God. I have made a list.
1. When I am walking and listening to music. Something about the rhythm and movement and connecting in a deeper way with what I am listening to and realizing how it is impacting me, and thinking thoughts and processing.
2. Reading poetry is a spiritual experience for me.
3. Working in the garden. For some reason, I have always preferred the cultivation part of gardening more than the planting. Making things look happy and trimmed and watered is very joyous.
4. Having conversations with people when you are able to understand how the other is feeling.
5. Being alone in my house and turning up the music REALLY loud and dancing like a crazy woman. Hee hee.
6. Crying, oh crying.
7. Receiving encouragement...it is so nice.
8. When you get to know a kid well enough that they feel safe with you and SNUGGLE...such a great feeling.
9. There is more, but I forget.

On another note...I had a moment of frustration yesterday...I have always been aware that I perhaps do not necessarily look my age, but do I really look so young, that the five people behind the counter would think that I was not capable of ordering a chicken? I waited for someone to assist me for about 7 minutes, and then this lady and her cart appear beside me and within seconds someone is there asking her what she would like. I know I need to become more pushy. Or maybe I just need to invest in some pearls, a neck kerchief and bright red lipstick.

Music!

Well I have figured out a way to put music on my blog. Wow. Technology never ceases to amaze me. Normally I would not force my personal music tastes down the throats (or in this case, ears) of any one who is kind enough to read my humble thoughts. However, there is the option of pressing the buttons which will allow one to either turn the music off, or change to a different song. And if, by some small chance, you, dear reader, find that you enjoy the melody that is tickling your eardrums, I will be happy indeed. I am still experimenting with adding different songs. It is all very exciting.

Lonely by Raymond A. Floss

lonely in a crowd

different from the rest
separate, apart
because of change,
experiences they can’t understand
choices and experiments taken
can I fit within their world
relate on some common level
when my life and theirs
exist on different planes

the gulf so wide,
land so foreign
in familiar surroundings

miles away
even at home

The sun is shining and it is warm! I am so thankful.

Well, despite losing a well-paying, extremely convenient job, my summer is not looking entirely dismal...just rather money-less. I have applied for a job at the Advocacy Centre working with people who are experiencing hardships such as poverty and abuse. There is also a job at the public library for a college student to coordinate a storytelling time for kids up to 12. The other available jobs are all rather uninteresting, underpaid, and not exactly in my field of interest (although I recognize I am not exactly in a position to be picky!). There is a job at the bus depot, and at the Nutrition House (I thought I might like that one, except they are looking for someone who has experience in herbal healing, and mine is rather limited). I have also applied once again to work at the daycare until I find a full time job...yikes.

I thought I should post some grad pictures and celebrate the completed ventures in my life. Hence...


Oh silly dad forgot to open his mouth.

















Sisters.












Most brilliant family minus two.











we are the same height. almost.

Disappointment

Early this morning I had a very interesting dream. I dreamed that I was in the Harry Potter movies, only we were in dark forests of BC. There was a flying broom race, and Harry, myself, and Hermione were racing against each other. We got to practice by flying over the mountains and waving to the adoring fans below. When we were about to begin the race, Harry and I decided we needed to spend some time studying the Bible. I was trying to tell him about this verse in Isaiah, and I was having difficulty communicating my thoughts, when all of a sudden, I blurt out, "Harry, you are a beautiful, beautiful man." I don't know what his response was, because at that point, the phone rang, and I was informed that the government has decided not to fund my summer student position. So not only am I out of a great, amazing, wonderful job, I didn't get to hear what Harry thought regarding my heartfelt proclamation. Extreme disappointment.

no. job. government. evil. frustrated. people. summer. panic.

It is late, and I should be in bed sleeping, or thinking about sleeping...but I don't feel like it. I woke up this morning to the smell of pancakes and voices in the kitchen, and sleepily made my way downstairs to find that, yes, my mom and dad were making breakfast together, on Mother's Day! As you may guess, I was feeling exceedingly guilty that I had not woken up early to make breakfast for my dearest mother. In fact, due to a shortage in funds, and a mental block of creativity, I did not give my mother any gifts of any kind. Shameful. I feel bad.

It is rainy here...in BC. I like the rain. I wish it rained more in Winnipeg, but seeing as I live there mostly during the very long winter season, the less cold weather the better. I walked outside in between rain showers this afternoon, and it smelled amazing!! The grass and the dirt and the fungus! Wow! No more smell of pig farms and other smells consistent with dorm living (aka Asian cooking, smelly shoes, very old dorm smell, etc.).

Now I am getting sleepy...

Last walk at Prov

Katelyn and I relaxin' on the tracks...while I nervously sense the impending doom of steel and sparks.















Evelyn and I walking along the tracks...towards impending doom?




















I don't know what is happening in this picture, but it makes me laugh every time I look at it. Amazing how carefree I can act when the impending doom remains a threat.















Still walking towards impending doom...over a raging, rushing river no less.




















Who would guess that beneath that happy exterior, a trembling little heart was beating erratically fast, anticipating that impending doom, while in the middle of a raging, rushing river.

Note #1: Evelyn and Katelyn are true heroic figures, as both went very close to the edge without batting an eye. I'm so proud.

Note#2: No one was hurt by the impending threat of steel and sparks in the snapping of these photos.